I Have Major Depressive Disorder
I have been battling depression for many years - it also seems to run in my family, so it's not an unreasonable burden - I suppose.
I probably don't LOOK like someone you'd expect to have depression though. I'm a fairly good-looking guy, I'm really capable, in good shape, optimistic, helpful, eager to have fun, I let things go easily, and I'm really outgoing (unless it's a girl I find attractive, then I'm nervous and quiet).
But - it's incredible how easily I am damaged by social situations. Even if I'm having a great day - I can be put into a funk by someone just being super rude to me while grocery shopping, or in traffic, or anywhere. I think about it over and over and dwell on it.
"Did that guy really have to flip me off? He was the one driving foolishly..."
and it truly bothers me.
I don't know how to make it not bother me.
I think the issue really started because of where I grew up. I was raised in Isle La Motte, Vermont - which is an island in Vermont. It's the definition of rural. Where I am from, there really isn't a line between stranger and acquaintance, as there were so few people. The census says it's around 400 people on ILM, but it's not true - it's more about half that total, and it's artificially raised by wealthy people pulling some sort of tax-discount-maneuver.
So you're supposed to be nice to everyone, or it gets around pretty quickly that your'e a jerk.
Now I live in Denver, Colorado. It's a big city and I have the same issues. I want everyone to like me, and when they don't it troubles me greatly. This extends into business and affects almost every aspect of life, because it compels me to make choices I perhaps would not otherwise make.
For instance - I have a (very very small) business that can replace roofs for people, especially if they have endured some type of insurance covered loss (like hail damage or wind damage.). I COULD make loads and loads of money - and I even DID - WHEN I tried. When I tried, I had just started the business and was super addicted (which absorbed A LOT of time and money) to opiates. I still managed to deposit just a couple hundred dollars shy of $50K within the first 3 months, and it was likely more than 50% profit.
That was without any reinvestment into the business - because I was scraping it off to purchase opiates. I still made a ton of money, at the time, because I had a girlfriend, with which I thought we were building a family. She left me and I had a bunch of money and just no happiness or anything to spend it on. It seemed like I worked super hard to just have money and be lonely. So, why keep doing it? I stopped earning, because it didn't make me happy. I owe loads in student loans, and so earning feels like it's just working for other people who took advantage of me when I was young.
So without having the family to dedicate my efforts to - I feel like there is no point in "achieving." I literally will have to earn 1/2 a million dollars before I get to be officially "worthless" or "worth nothing." Because, currently, I am worth a huge negative figure - most homeless people are hundreds of thousands of dollars ahead of me. (I had good credit, because I came back to college after working - I intended on going into pharmacy college and becoming a dr of pharmacy, but the economic collapse in 2009 ruined my chances, along with a girl in the registrar not doing her job in 2008. I needed money to live and attend school and so I had to borrow it all. I likely borrowed about $100K in total, combining private and federal funds. I have not been able to make any payments for like 7 years or so - and the penalties and interest - especially on the private ones, likely raise it to some ungodly figure.
So - why try? To buy caviar for some rich kid that never had to work a day in his life anyway? He's already got enough - and he'll get even more by me just OWING money - he'll save on taxes. There literally is no way for the wealthy to lose.
I refuse to help. If I'm not going to be able to attain any of the benefits, then why put in the effort? It breaks my heart to think that I am being COMPLETELY WASTED from a production standpoint. I could do very big and important things - if only I was provided with the opportunities. Instead, people just want to take advantage of others, and nobody is genuinely interested in people moving forward, or having an enjoyable life. They all want more returns on their investments - because it doesn't bother them to steal from people they do not know exist, by specific name.
Anyway - I'm not sure what to do. I feel very abandoned by society. I often compare myself to the air that you see in between the gum balls in those machines that dispense them for a quarter. The space is perfectly good. It could hold a gum ball just as well as the other spots. It's just circumstance has put the gum balls in all the surrounding areas, and that has eliminated the option for a gum ball to reside in that specific section of space.
It's been screwed by circumstance. It still is totally capable and worthy though - but people assess things from their perspective, not genuine merit; and I suppose that is what makes me feel so sad everyday.
I probably don't LOOK like someone you'd expect to have depression though. I'm a fairly good-looking guy, I'm really capable, in good shape, optimistic, helpful, eager to have fun, I let things go easily, and I'm really outgoing (unless it's a girl I find attractive, then I'm nervous and quiet).
But - it's incredible how easily I am damaged by social situations. Even if I'm having a great day - I can be put into a funk by someone just being super rude to me while grocery shopping, or in traffic, or anywhere. I think about it over and over and dwell on it.
"Did that guy really have to flip me off? He was the one driving foolishly..."
and it truly bothers me.
I don't know how to make it not bother me.
I think the issue really started because of where I grew up. I was raised in Isle La Motte, Vermont - which is an island in Vermont. It's the definition of rural. Where I am from, there really isn't a line between stranger and acquaintance, as there were so few people. The census says it's around 400 people on ILM, but it's not true - it's more about half that total, and it's artificially raised by wealthy people pulling some sort of tax-discount-maneuver.
So you're supposed to be nice to everyone, or it gets around pretty quickly that your'e a jerk.
Now I live in Denver, Colorado. It's a big city and I have the same issues. I want everyone to like me, and when they don't it troubles me greatly. This extends into business and affects almost every aspect of life, because it compels me to make choices I perhaps would not otherwise make.
For instance - I have a (very very small) business that can replace roofs for people, especially if they have endured some type of insurance covered loss (like hail damage or wind damage.). I COULD make loads and loads of money - and I even DID - WHEN I tried. When I tried, I had just started the business and was super addicted (which absorbed A LOT of time and money) to opiates. I still managed to deposit just a couple hundred dollars shy of $50K within the first 3 months, and it was likely more than 50% profit.
That was without any reinvestment into the business - because I was scraping it off to purchase opiates. I still made a ton of money, at the time, because I had a girlfriend, with which I thought we were building a family. She left me and I had a bunch of money and just no happiness or anything to spend it on. It seemed like I worked super hard to just have money and be lonely. So, why keep doing it? I stopped earning, because it didn't make me happy. I owe loads in student loans, and so earning feels like it's just working for other people who took advantage of me when I was young.
So without having the family to dedicate my efforts to - I feel like there is no point in "achieving." I literally will have to earn 1/2 a million dollars before I get to be officially "worthless" or "worth nothing." Because, currently, I am worth a huge negative figure - most homeless people are hundreds of thousands of dollars ahead of me. (I had good credit, because I came back to college after working - I intended on going into pharmacy college and becoming a dr of pharmacy, but the economic collapse in 2009 ruined my chances, along with a girl in the registrar not doing her job in 2008. I needed money to live and attend school and so I had to borrow it all. I likely borrowed about $100K in total, combining private and federal funds. I have not been able to make any payments for like 7 years or so - and the penalties and interest - especially on the private ones, likely raise it to some ungodly figure.
So - why try? To buy caviar for some rich kid that never had to work a day in his life anyway? He's already got enough - and he'll get even more by me just OWING money - he'll save on taxes. There literally is no way for the wealthy to lose.
I refuse to help. If I'm not going to be able to attain any of the benefits, then why put in the effort? It breaks my heart to think that I am being COMPLETELY WASTED from a production standpoint. I could do very big and important things - if only I was provided with the opportunities. Instead, people just want to take advantage of others, and nobody is genuinely interested in people moving forward, or having an enjoyable life. They all want more returns on their investments - because it doesn't bother them to steal from people they do not know exist, by specific name.
Anyway - I'm not sure what to do. I feel very abandoned by society. I often compare myself to the air that you see in between the gum balls in those machines that dispense them for a quarter. The space is perfectly good. It could hold a gum ball just as well as the other spots. It's just circumstance has put the gum balls in all the surrounding areas, and that has eliminated the option for a gum ball to reside in that specific section of space.
It's been screwed by circumstance. It still is totally capable and worthy though - but people assess things from their perspective, not genuine merit; and I suppose that is what makes me feel so sad everyday.
