Turns out my euthymia is depressed.

Today I finished the first tablet of the mood stabilizer. Which makes it five days in a row for my first time taking treatment for my bipolar II (recently diagnosed)
I can hardly believe it but I'm committed I guess. I only missed one pill once cause I forgot 😅

But guess what, the psychiatrist told me that I'm in my euthymia (neutral mood) days, even though most days I feel so low.

What is happening now just reminds me of how I always lived with low mood my whole life (from late childhood like 10-11 years old to the first hypomanic episode). I felt low 70% of the time, thoughts of giving up life invaded my mind most of the time to the point of once just innocently asking mom to take me back from life the way she gave me. She brushed it off with a joke obviously. But that only got worse.

The first time I felt like life was meant for me was 05 years ago, (first hypomanic episode) I felt freer than ever and I was like: wow, looks like my low mood and thoughts of giving up living is disappearing for good for some reason! But ofc a couple months later I had depression and it was the worst I ever had lol.

Anyways, looks like I'm back to these days pre-bipolar where everything felt suffocating for one reason or another, but it is not depression yet.

I think I'm noticing too much, but I can't help it because it is intervening with my daily life and at work.

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basilfawlty89 · 36-40, M

Hmm.
Bear in mind the medication will increae your serotonin levels, so it might be better later that the current neutral. Also neuroplasticity is a thing, so therapy could help.

Friendlyperson · 26-30, F

@basilfawlty89 The mood stabilizer is lamotrigine, and it is not known to increase serotonin level. I wish what you are saying is true though. I'm at the point of saying I miss being hypomanic 🙃 It's awful to live with my neutral, but I'm thankful it is not depression yet because that would be hell to live.

I'm seeing a new therapist in 3 weeks because the one I was seeing is not responding anymore. I'm trying to keep my hopes high.

basilfawlty89 · 36-40, M

@Friendlyperson let's be positive about therapy then.
And, as someone with depression, don't forget you have a support network who care.

Friendlyperson · 26-30, F

@basilfawlty89 I am trying to. ^^
Well, nobody around me knows I have bipolar, they just think I'm having a burnout from work and that's about it. I can't tell anyone, not family nor friends. (only one friend knows but we are not meeting frequently cause of work)

basilfawlty89 · 36-40, M

@Friendlyperson it's up you when you're comfortable disclosing it, it is a personal thing. Just never be ashamed of it.
People aren't shamed by society for have a physical illness. The same should apply to mental illness.

Friendlyperson · 26-30, F

@basilfawlty89
I know, I know... I try to be accepting of it with myself, but when it comes to others I just can't say. I think I should do that at some point... but not now. That's why I'm looking forward to therapy. I'm looking forward to be honest with someone in real life (even though I had many bad experiences with them)