5th day of journaling... and yes, it completely sounds that I'm in the phase of depression of my bp2. Damn. And also, now I know what I'm fearing..

A co worker today told me (unbeknownst to them) how the attendings (my superiors) noticed how different I am... how tired/unfocused/forgetting, I am. They are planning to give me a 03 days rest but she didn't want me to tell me until they're sure it is possible. The gesture is so sweet of them.

But you know what this whole thing made me think?

1- My low mood is getting noticed, and combined with the dark thoughts, I am 90% sure that I'm getting to that dreaded phase.

2- I am withdrawing more from people. I am actually making a huge effort to tell a few close friends how tired/low I feel. And I realized something...
I am afraid I won't be accepted by people if I'm depressed
Hence me hiding from everyone I know.
But I believe in reality: it is me who is not accepting of this phase.
I have impossible expectations of myself AND I do not accept a performance less than what I want from myself.

But this fear is crippling... I feel like I can't complain... I can't tell anyone... and that I'm disappointing people.

Now all I'm thinking of is to give up... and boy how painful it is to think so when you used to love your job everything.

3- I am so scared of 24h shifts now.
I used to handle them like a pro.
Now they scare the living shit out of me, same as I was depressed back then.

I am so scared to take medication... or see a psychiatrist (yet again!) who could be judgemental.

I am scared and worried and anxious and all I can do is talk here in SW in order to untangle the mess in my head before it is too late...