Letters to myself 02 (from my hypomanic to my depressed self)
Hello there, me.
Today I had an important presentation that required confidence, sharp analysis and good public speaking skills. I had all of them, and was told I was brilliant.
Outwardly, I was happy and even a bit embarrassed because I am not used to compliments. But inwardly, I knew it my hypomania doing all of that.
I remembered you... and I'm sure when people complimented me they remembered you as well, they were comparing us, but they don't know of us (the diagnosis), they just recall a time when I was an anxious mess and a stuttering nervous wreck. Surely they thought I was adapting to the job, but little do they know. They say 'You're all better now!' but well... they don't know what is going on.
I just wanted to tell you a couple things regarding this experience:
If anyone says that my hypomanic self is better, then I'll tell them that I don't care about their opinion (inwardly of course!). So don't listen to them, don't let them look down on you. You're me, and we are one. I don't think I would be where I am right now without you.
When you are reading this, you must be blaming yourself and wondering why can't you be as sociable as I am right now, or why your mind is sluggish and everything feels claustrophobic. But hear me out: you are not alone. And it is not your fault. I can't say this enough. It is NOT your fault and you are doing the best you can. No matter how much you think you are procrastinator or an awkward mess or a downright loser for not being able to achieve your task, it is not your fault.
You are not procracstinating, you're just physically and mentally unable to do what you got to do.
I know that for a fact because I am you, and I blamed you too.
Whenever you feel like you can't be as sociable as you were, just remember that I am still here for you. But I need you to help me by not blaming yourself. Let it flow, let the self hatred flow, let the pain flow, let all the blame flow through you until it goes... don't force them away, don't resist them... just remember that you are loved. Past and present and future. You are loved no matter what.
I love you 💗
Today I had an important presentation that required confidence, sharp analysis and good public speaking skills. I had all of them, and was told I was brilliant.
Outwardly, I was happy and even a bit embarrassed because I am not used to compliments. But inwardly, I knew it my hypomania doing all of that.
I remembered you... and I'm sure when people complimented me they remembered you as well, they were comparing us, but they don't know of us (the diagnosis), they just recall a time when I was an anxious mess and a stuttering nervous wreck. Surely they thought I was adapting to the job, but little do they know. They say 'You're all better now!' but well... they don't know what is going on.
I just wanted to tell you a couple things regarding this experience:
If anyone says that my hypomanic self is better, then I'll tell them that I don't care about their opinion (inwardly of course!). So don't listen to them, don't let them look down on you. You're me, and we are one. I don't think I would be where I am right now without you.
When you are reading this, you must be blaming yourself and wondering why can't you be as sociable as I am right now, or why your mind is sluggish and everything feels claustrophobic. But hear me out: you are not alone. And it is not your fault. I can't say this enough. It is NOT your fault and you are doing the best you can. No matter how much you think you are procrastinator or an awkward mess or a downright loser for not being able to achieve your task, it is not your fault.
You are not procracstinating, you're just physically and mentally unable to do what you got to do.
I know that for a fact because I am you, and I blamed you too.
Whenever you feel like you can't be as sociable as you were, just remember that I am still here for you. But I need you to help me by not blaming yourself. Let it flow, let the self hatred flow, let the pain flow, let all the blame flow through you until it goes... don't force them away, don't resist them... just remember that you are loved. Past and present and future. You are loved no matter what.
I love you 💗
26-30, F
