a few years ago i was diagnosed with bipolar after a huge mental breakdown and lowest point of my life but i still never accepted it.
i can’t really run from it anymore. it’s getting hard to fake being normal and healthy mentally.
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riseofthemachine · 41-45, M
Darklongings - I tell you a bit about myself - I was running all my life - especially when i became an alcoholic - I never knew i was running and i never knew i was an alcoholic - Even attending Alcoholic Anonymous for about 6 years and i was sober 3 years i still didn't think i was Alcoholic and i drank a lot - everything i do i do it to excess - Just before i came into Alcoholic Anonymous when the drink wasn't working i then started on different obsessions - relationships - cars - all the expensive gadgets - all of the outside stuff to fix an inside job - I never knew i was doing that - and what happened i ended up in a darker and darker place - it got to the point where i wanted to take my own life - and attempted it a few times - the last time i was hanging from a rope for seconds and all of my insides came away from me when i pulled myself back up - that night walking through a field i got a sense of peace that went beyond the human explanation - still to this day i don't know - Then i was get sober i thought the exact same again - all outside stuff to fix and inside job - and it left me in a pysche ward for 6 weeks back in 2010 - and from then on trying to stay sober in the mist of all that was hell on earth - i don't know how i managed it - this time around my spirit was alive when i ended up with nothing - drinking my spirit was dead - and where im coming to you about running is that they longer you run in life the more your mind be under attack - all distressing thoughts will come into your mind and you actually start believing them and start making them personal about yourself which is all false and when the mind is that way of thinking , all it wants you to do is end your life based on the fears inside your mind which is telling about yourself .
I still have these thoughts at times but there not as powerful as they are - why and how did i do it ? I stopping running and sat with the pain cause the distressing thoughts if you leave them get a hold on you can lead you into bad depression and then trying to be normal around people with that state of mind brings a lot of anxiety trying to keep it up -
The mind is very fragile .
My whole life i was consumed with fear and do you know most peoples fears are , its all do with fear of people and everyone is fearing people and everyone are so consumed with there fears no one sees there fears only themselves in there iwn minds , so its the mind that creates them and brings you into that state of mind -
Im not a doctor and im not a professional with any topic but my own experience near the end of my drinking put me nearly to death and i thought there was no way out of it - Since i was sober i buried a best friend - relationship break ups and a lot more and never drank and what im saying God will look after you - mad , sad or glad .
The problem with people why there afraid to stop running is that when you stop running you see how busy your mind was when you were running - You either numb it out and in my case drank it out but stop running and when you do the thoughts won't be as frightening as they are and you'll find your true self
I still have these thoughts at times but there not as powerful as they are - why and how did i do it ? I stopping running and sat with the pain cause the distressing thoughts if you leave them get a hold on you can lead you into bad depression and then trying to be normal around people with that state of mind brings a lot of anxiety trying to keep it up -
The mind is very fragile .
My whole life i was consumed with fear and do you know most peoples fears are , its all do with fear of people and everyone is fearing people and everyone are so consumed with there fears no one sees there fears only themselves in there iwn minds , so its the mind that creates them and brings you into that state of mind -
Im not a doctor and im not a professional with any topic but my own experience near the end of my drinking put me nearly to death and i thought there was no way out of it - Since i was sober i buried a best friend - relationship break ups and a lot more and never drank and what im saying God will look after you - mad , sad or glad .
The problem with people why there afraid to stop running is that when you stop running you see how busy your mind was when you were running - You either numb it out and in my case drank it out but stop running and when you do the thoughts won't be as frightening as they are and you'll find your true self