Destorying Myself

I've lost control over how much I drink and vape. I'm killing myself slowly but I can't stop. I love it so much. I'm failing at my own life to the point it's purposely that I'm doing this. The feeling is all I want. My thoughts coming to an end when I drink or anything. It feels so good. I'm self destructive and I don't know how to stop. I don't want to continue in life if every day I wake up and hate how I know my days going to be. I love those moments where I feel alive. Hanging my head out of the window in the middle of the night with friends. Days are so long and boring but with a drink and good feeling everything is better.

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Queendragonfly · 31-35, F

Are you home all day long? Maybe you need to find a job.

xZer0x · 18-21

@Queendragonfly I have a job, I have shelter and food, I have everything I need in order to survive. I'm just me. I'm not sure

Queendragonfly · 31-35, F

@xZer0x Sounds a bit boring and "safe" mundane.

What challenges do you have?

xZer0x · 18-21

@Queendragonfly none, but the way I think. I want to live so differently. I want to LIVE. I don't want to work, deal with people I want roam freely without worry of money, politics, society. I can't because that's not how life works.
Most people just say just go for it but means hard work and I'm sure I'm capable of it but I also just feel stuck. My mind restrains me for simply even thinking for myself. I make it so hard for myself to live.
I'm horrible at explaining it to be honest so it probably doesn't make sense. I'm not very good at expressing things, emotions, my words.

littlepuppywantanewlife · 31-35, M

Stop it immediately. If you need friends to talk about it I am here.

xZer0x · 18-21

@littlepuppywantanewlife Thanks but I think I'm a bit beyond talking. I'm honestly doing it again. I'm drinking at this moment at a friends party and im ahead. I know this drinking isn't for fun, im just doing it to get away and feel something I'm over it but i can't stop. I know I should but if I do I don't feel alive or anything. I feel nothing. There's something wrong with me. But at the same time I don't care, I just idk.

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