Venting about alcoholism and general despair

Last Sunday, about two in the morning, I had been drinking for three hours or so as I like to do in the evening, when I realized I was running low on booze. It wasn't going to last me through the weekend since the liquor stores are closed on Sundays. So I rummaged through my bathroom and found hand sanitizer, and I spiked my drink with a small hit of that to make sure my booze would last the next night as well. This is idiotic of course, since hand sanitizer can be toxic and whatnot. But I had my pistol on my desk with me, figuring that if I were to turn blind from drinking hand sanitizer, I could shoot myself and finally be done with everything. Turns out nothing happened apart from the usual hangover, but that's the state I'm in regarding life and drinking.
Just venting.