So much anxiety I just want to die 😂

I don’t understand what’s going on with me right now. Ever since getting back to Delaware I’ve been more miserable than I ever have. I plunged straight back into the pain of being unwanted and unloved. The pain of losing my parents and my son’s dad being a shit father. I’m gaining weight and constantly fighting off the urge to end it. I can only seek pleasure because unless it comes in short bursts, I have no means to focus or achieve anything lasting. I can only go one day at a time. With my mom’s house in this condition I can’t let go of how her husband just abused and trashed her. I want to hurt him, but I have no rights because we live in Murica where old white guys can afford to hide in loopholes. I hate my country, my government, society and the system. It’s oppressive within it and deadly outside of it. I spend so much energy trying to balance but the rollercoaster is relentless. I simply HATE existing this way. I have tried over and over, different things to give my life meaning, but it all falls away without a foundation of love. I hear the same shit over and over, love yourself. Bitches, I do. I’m brave af and smart enough to figure it out, but family and love was taken from my life and you can’t build that shit back up when you’re in a deficit so deep you’re climbing the crumbling walls of your life. People yelling down, cmon love yourself that’ll make it better!!! No. Just no. All the therapy tricks are over for me. I face the truth and I don’t need life to be pretty, don’t care for the pursuit of perfection. I just want a fkn hand to reach down. A genuine fkn grip on me that I trust won’t pull me halfway and then drop me when the light of hope just begins to shine. But everyone leaves. Everyone drops you and tells you to love yourself.

The real challenge is loving someone else once you DO love yourself. Because that’s where real trust lives and people break you for their ego’s sake, your love was never enough.

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PepsiColaP

youre dealing with a lot and are in an environment that reminds you of painful things youve dealt with through your life and the painful things the ppl you love dealt with too. all while having to support another human being and having no support from any other human being yourself. i understand it

RebelFox · 36-40, F

@PepsiColaP I do often feel like it would be better if I was dead. I’m the only reason we can’t have some fake blissful life. I can’t live in those lies and it’s so disruptive. I don’t know anymore.

PepsiColaP

@RebelFox you want more and thats ok ,but being here is the only way to get it

TinyViolins · 31-35, M

It's been my experience that strength and patience were never meant to be long-term solutions. The people that ask you to be patient or praise you for your strength don't often know how helpless and hopeless it feels to hold on for so long without seeing a light at the end of the tunnel. Their words can feel like daggers through your heart, as if they'd rather wash themselves of your problems rather than lend a hand to help.

For a long time, I abandoned people altogether. The best way to protect what was left of my heart seemed to be to shut everyone out, to lash out at those who sought to take, and to withdraw into my own world. It was like the Beast whose life revolved around protecting that magical rose.

But when you struggle for so long without any relief to be had, you begin to question what the point of struggling even is. If wanting something you lack is causing so much heartache and so much grief, why even want it at all? Or at the very least why should you hold onto it so closely?

I think that's where my transformation for the better really began. Sometimes people could get so lost in their own internal world that they lose sight or interest in the external world around them, and I realize now that I robbed myself of so many opportunities for wonder and happiness by focusing so much on myself.

It's not going to replace the feelings of being loved and cherished, but it's going to provide ways of enjoying life without it. To experience other people's art, to experience nature, to share a little bit of your light to make the world a less dreary place, to expose your senses to new tastes and sights and sounds and smells.

That's probably why van life was so liberating for you, not because you got to experience love and all that jazz, but because you got to indulge your sense of wonder for the world around you. You were able to enjoy the positives so much that the negatives barely bothered you. You looked for beauty and you found it.

Maybe I'm just projecting based on my own experience with abject loneliness, but if years of social isolation have taught me anything, it would be that. The value of letting go.

It will probably be a rough transition out of this hole you're in, especially with your environment and your responsibilities weighing you down, but don't forget you have a friend on the other side of the country that you can talk to whenever you feel like it. I'm in it through thick and thin. Sometimes all we need is somebody to hear us

Eternity · 26-30, M

Its okay to be angry and to hate. That is something not many would agree with but I believe it to be true.

Hate and anger is energy and it is a powerful energy as well. It can be channeled and used.

Wouldnt those people who have hurt you hate to see you build a monument to your success on top of what use to be the place where they tormented you?

Dont you think they would despise seeing you thrive where you use to suffer? To have their legacy undone by the repair of the damage they caused to your home?

If you can't live for love then live to manifest success with hate as your drive and your passion. You've got plenty of it don't you?

RebelFox · 36-40, F

@Eternity That’s not the life I want. My options are limited because I worked really hard to build a life and it was ripped away. Sure anger is valid, but it doesn’t feel good and it’s the only emotion that gets touched. It’s quite boring and predictable. There is no success outside of basic survival at this point. I’m alone with a kid 😆 I already feel like a success. I have everything I could need or want except love 😆

I think it’s realllyyyy easy for people with families to assume my situation is that simple. Imagine they were dead and then tell me how to cope. You just shouldn’t do it 😆

Eternity · 26-30, M

@RebelFox this is the best help I have to offer. Its what I would do and have done.

You can only work with what you have, that is an immutable law of reality.

Not trying to judge, I was just trying to answer your call for help. Hopefully someone more like you will come along with some input you can use.

RebelFox · 36-40, F

@Eternity I don’t need advice hun. I need love and there’s nothing that can be said or done to change that or make it easier. It hurts and sadness is also valid. Tbh peoples advice does more harm than good. I’m just trying to express my feelings because I have no one.

Northwest · M

Do you have access to therapy? I'm sure you know this already, but that should be your #1 priority at this point.

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SW-User

@RebelFox potentially you might not have found a therapist who works well for you - I had to try 6 before finding the one who truly helped

RebelFox · 36-40, F

@SW-User I’ve been through decades of therapy, tons of meds, behavioral centers, you name it. I find myself most well with the use of marijuana and psychedelics. When I was living in my van outside of society, I felt real. I don’t really believe therapy is effective without a support system beyond it. I can be as strong as I want, work hard, but at the end of the day that therapist is doing a job, I need FAMILY

SW-User

@RebelFox all fair points!

JackJames · M

It’s sucks.

Viper · M

Maybe you need to live an area where you can be outdoors more?

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RebelFox · 36-40, F

@Darksideinthenight2 You don’t even know how bad I want off of the east 😭 I hate it so much. But I’m stuck for at least a year. Trying to make the best of it but it fkn sucks. I have to do what’s right for my son rn

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