So much anxiety I just want to die 😂

I don’t understand what’s going on with me right now. Ever since getting back to Delaware I’ve been more miserable than I ever have. I plunged straight back into the pain of being unwanted and unloved. The pain of losing my parents and my son’s dad being a shit father. I’m gaining weight and constantly fighting off the urge to end it. I can only seek pleasure because unless it comes in short bursts, I have no means to focus or achieve anything lasting. I can only go one day at a time. With my mom’s house in this condition I can’t let go of how her husband just abused and trashed her. I want to hurt him, but I have no rights because we live in Murica where old white guys can afford to hide in loopholes. I hate my country, my government, society and the system. It’s oppressive within it and deadly outside of it. I spend so much energy trying to balance but the rollercoaster is relentless. I simply HATE existing this way. I have tried over and over, different things to give my life meaning, but it all falls away without a foundation of love. I hear the same shit over and over, love yourself. Bitches, I do. I’m brave af and smart enough to figure it out, but family and love was taken from my life and you can’t build that shit back up when you’re in a deficit so deep you’re climbing the crumbling walls of your life. People yelling down, cmon love yourself that’ll make it better!!! No. Just no. All the therapy tricks are over for me. I face the truth and I don’t need life to be pretty, don’t care for the pursuit of perfection. I just want a fkn hand to reach down. A genuine fkn grip on me that I trust won’t pull me halfway and then drop me when the light of hope just begins to shine. But everyone leaves. Everyone drops you and tells you to love yourself.

The real challenge is loving someone else once you DO love yourself. Because that’s where real trust lives and people break you for their ego’s sake, your love was never enough.

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SW-User

Its okay to be angry and to hate. That is something not many would agree with but I believe it to be true.

Hate and anger is energy and it is a powerful energy as well. It can be channeled and used.

Wouldnt those people who have hurt you hate to see you build a monument to your success on top of what use to be the place where they tormented you?

Dont you think they would despise seeing you thrive where you use to suffer? To have their legacy undone by the repair of the damage they caused to your home?

If you can't live for love then live to manifest success with hate as your drive and your passion. You've got plenty of it don't you?

RebelFox · 36-40, F

@SW-User That’s not the life I want. My options are limited because I worked really hard to build a life and it was ripped away. Sure anger is valid, but it doesn’t feel good and it’s the only emotion that gets touched. It’s quite boring and predictable. There is no success outside of basic survival at this point. I’m alone with a kid 😆 I already feel like a success. I have everything I could need or want except love 😆

I think it’s realllyyyy easy for people with families to assume my situation is that simple. Imagine they were dead and then tell me how to cope. You just shouldn’t do it 😆

SW-User

@RebelFox this is the best help I have to offer. Its what I would do and have done.

You can only work with what you have, that is an immutable law of reality.

Not trying to judge, I was just trying to answer your call for help. Hopefully someone more like you will come along with some input you can use.

RebelFox · 36-40, F

@SW-User I don’t need advice hun. I need love and there’s nothing that can be said or done to change that or make it easier. It hurts and sadness is also valid. Tbh peoples advice does more harm than good. I’m just trying to express my feelings because I have no one.