So much anxiety I just want to die 😂

I don’t understand what’s going on with me right now. Ever since getting back to Delaware I’ve been more miserable than I ever have. I plunged straight back into the pain of being unwanted and unloved. The pain of losing my parents and my son’s dad being a shit father. I’m gaining weight and constantly fighting off the urge to end it. I can only seek pleasure because unless it comes in short bursts, I have no means to focus or achieve anything lasting. I can only go one day at a time. With my mom’s house in this condition I can’t let go of how her husband just abused and trashed her. I want to hurt him, but I have no rights because we live in Murica where old white guys can afford to hide in loopholes. I hate my country, my government, society and the system. It’s oppressive within it and deadly outside of it. I spend so much energy trying to balance but the rollercoaster is relentless. I simply HATE existing this way. I have tried over and over, different things to give my life meaning, but it all falls away without a foundation of love. I hear the same shit over and over, love yourself. Bitches, I do. I’m brave af and smart enough to figure it out, but family and love was taken from my life and you can’t build that shit back up when you’re in a deficit so deep you’re climbing the crumbling walls of your life. People yelling down, cmon love yourself that’ll make it better!!! No. Just no. All the therapy tricks are over for me. I face the truth and I don’t need life to be pretty, don’t care for the pursuit of perfection. I just want a fkn hand to reach down. A genuine fkn grip on me that I trust won’t pull me halfway and then drop me when the light of hope just begins to shine. But everyone leaves. Everyone drops you and tells you to love yourself.

The real challenge is loving someone else once you DO love yourself. Because that’s where real trust lives and people break you for their ego’s sake, your love was never enough.