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Adapting to a new lifestyle

My wife has been in dementia care now for a couple of months.. And as predicted, she is starting to take over.. She was a nurse/manager in a redidential care home for years.. Now with dementia her reality has retained some of her old skills. The staff allow her to feed other residents who cant feed themselves and she chats away happily for hours in circles with them. Overall she is far happier than she was at home. Of course, at home I couldnt get her to do anything. She was fine. It was the rest of the world that was out of step.. So now my biggest guilt is not feeling as lost as I think I should feel. I am reorganising the house to live downstairs and doing some of my own "maintainance", dealing with an old foot injusry and arranging some major dental. Things I couldnt get away to do without a real battle as she knew best about my health and argued the point at every turn.. By the time I finish these chores it will be spring coming on and I am considering heading off for a couple of weeks fishing up the south east coast..In the meantime I am taming the new desktop and downstairs laptop on Linux.. F**k Microsoft!😷
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LadyBronte · 56-60, F
Such a bittersweet move for you both. I am glad she's found purpose again, and with that, a measure of contentment in her new setting. She's blessed the staff and patients there can appreciate her retained skills.

Being a caregiver for so long does take a toll and it's time for you to be kind to yourself now. No need to feel guilt for "not feeling as lost" as you think you should. You've made sure she is content, safe, well taken care of, and feeling useful again - which is the best possible gift you could have given her.

So embrace this next leg of your journey, take care of yourself, enjoy all the future trips, and make it a point to live happy and guiltfree.
whowasthatmaskedman · 70-79, M
@LadyBronte Thank you so much. You know how its done. One foot in front of the other, Then Repeat..We'll get there..😷
LadyBronte · 56-60, F
@whowasthatmaskedman Yes, you will.
SatanBurger · 36-40, F
I'm glad that your wife is comfortable though and it's nice to see her active with other people. I think you need to give yourself permission to live life but I understand about having guilt.
Linux can be a pain to deal with though, sometimes it is nice to just let MS do whatever they do.
Sounds like your wife's future is set. Good for her to have accepted it, and for you to be able to relax.
whowasthatmaskedman · 70-79, M
@JamesBugman Thanks. Its a challenge all round. Over 50 years since I had to be my own priority.. 😷
@whowasthatmaskedman Oops, I put mom in my post, changed it to wife.
whowasthatmaskedman · 70-79, M
@JamesBugman Typos happen. I got it...😷
So now my biggest guilt is not feeling as lost as I think I should feel.

What you describe here is called "survivor's guilt".

The true test of the validity of your apparent guilt is how your wife's reactive interaction plays out between other residents in the care facility she now lives in.

As you said, she is happy now.. more happy than when she was at home with you. Don't worry, it was probably just the house she was bored with, not you.

Keep the following in mind though... where your "survivor's guilt" would suddenly disappear however, is if your wife's interaction with others became hell on earth for all concerned, which means you'd be inclined to take her back home with you ...and for a while if you did that, you would actually feel justified in returning her to your house for you to resume her care duties... until you burnt out and she outlived you.

Your wife is moving on. She has risen to another level in her own evolution (which is not to mean 'apparent decline'), which means you cannot interact with her in ways that you both knew from 50 years of marriage.

Where she is now is that place where neither of you have anything meaningful in common anymore, mainly because she doesn't remember her past. What this means of course, is that your wife is no longer the woman you married because she evolved into someone whom you no longer recognize, nor does she recognize you either.

In a sense, all of that is a blessing in disguise, which means both of you can now move on with the evolution of your own individual lives without feeling the need for asking permission from each other to evolve without the other at hand.

You and your wife have not arrived at a 'T' intersection in your paths, you have arrived at a 'Y' intersection.

As you both slowly diverge from each other on your respective paths in your evolutions, for a time you will both have each other in sight as those paths continue to diverge further apart, yet know that you are not walking in opposite directions away from each other. This is not divorce you're experiencing, this is evolution at the soul level and it took your wife's dementia to bring this apparent evolution to fruition for BOTH of you.

You will remain available to her as her Power of Attorney, but you're no longer available to her as a husband, confidante or her primary caregiver.

You now need to go find that place along path behind you where you dropped yourself off about 10 years ago, then give yourself a de-briefing, forgive yourself for what you thought you did or didn't do ..and then be grateful as hell that you can start a new life with no strings attached and no explanations required to anyone.

You are now embarking on 'YOU 2.0'!
whowasthatmaskedman · 70-79, M
@swirlie You are right of course. But over 50 years of being together, we have a legacy of family and achievements we both contributed equally to..And this has been building up for a decade. She was always very "Scottish" and stubborn.. And I saw the signs. having been through dementia twice before with mother and mother in ;law. both whop lived with us at different times. Anyway. Whats done is done. I simply cant manage her now. So I control me. While writing this, my daughter showed up. on her way to visit her.. And moaning about her teenagers, with me smiling and remembering how much trouble she caused as a teenager.. One day it will be her in my shoes and listening to them complain.. I reminded her I was happy with the dog. My favourite old saying when our kids caused trouble.. At least my daughter has my sense of humour.😷
BeJeweled · 61-69, F
Such a touching story. You did the right thing for her and now its your turn to take care of yourself. 🌷
whowasthatmaskedman · 70-79, M
@BeJeweled I got lucky with her.. And now I will do a few things I wanted that she didnt, in between visits..She still knows who I am and that we are married. But everything else is shifting sand. So I will be grateful for what I have,,😷
ShenaniganFoodie · 36-40, M
Overall she is far happier than she was at home

Things I couldnt get away to do without a real battle


She is happy & you are free

WIN + WIN = new life.

[media=https://youtu.be/ayjcuP1E8HE]
[media=https://youtu.be/DFMS2OZPqMM]
[media=https://youtu.be/vawbzRFL7EU]
[media=https://youtu.be/IgVY6P3EYWA]
whowasthatmaskedman · 70-79, M
@ShenaniganFoodie I dont figure on getting up that far.. But maybe a two week trip through Lakes Entrance to Merimbula and maybe Eden. Its a first try..
I dont see it as being free. The lady who stood by me for 50 years still likes to see me and talk..And I always will..😷
Gusman · 61-69, M
This sounds like a win for all involved. Your wife can become active and help others. You can get your life back and get those necessary things done that have been put off for so many years.
Get all your fishing tackle spic and span for the adventures to come.
CrazyHippieChick · 31-35, F
The comments here were so sweet. 🥹
whowasthatmaskedman · 70-79, M
@CrazyHippieChick They are. People can be very nice, if you give them a reason to be..😷
WowwGirl · 36-40, F
I'm so sorry God be with you
whowasthatmaskedman · 70-79, M
@WowwGirl I am not feeling sorry for myself.. This is just my way of celebrating all we got done with what we had.. But Thanks..😷

 
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