Staying alive for what?
suicide mentioned.
Its been a few years since ive developed severe depression and my suicide thoughts never left me even when i felt greatest. A few years ago i noticed i started developing apathy after embracing nihilism in life since i cant really find a purpose to live for and not to kill myself for.
its been wandering in my for a while now, ive been clean for a few months from trying to kill myself but now i rhat exams are starting i know that i will fail.
after what has happened in 9th grade and before i knew i was going to be alone so i came prepared to 10th grade sitting with someone i never met. she became the light of my life. she was so chill, she hated humanity like me and never socialised. i felt like i can finally be my boring self instead of trying to please fhe person infront of me. we became best friends after a year becase she was also distancing herself from everything. i think i fell in love with her, but this isnt the type of lustful love. being with her fills me with happiness, to put simple. i know we wont ever be together, i dont want to be together as lovers (if thatd would be it would be amazing but still) because i love her platonically.
this year, she moved away. Not far from me but she doesnt want to socialize so she never gets out of her home. We wont ever meet.
Still, i sometimes think if i kill myself what would happen to her? I was so devastated at school and home and couldnt stop crying for 5 days that my teacher came to comfort me saying "Youre a social student, i bet Z will be in a harder situation than you considering she will be in a place with people she never knew while all being asocial." I know it wont be hard for her. she wants to be alone anyway but i became so close to her that i feel like if i disappear it will be okay for her but if she knew i killed myself- i dont want to see her sad, like, ever.
im not coming from a wealthy family. Ive started making my own money just last year. Since childhood ive never really gotten anything i want because of financial problems so i show my affection by buying people stuff they like. I wish i can show Z my affection differently but she doesn't like touch or anything. All i could so at school was to braid her soft hair. I would stare at her the whole class, kinda embarrassing. When she was leaving the town, it was the first time ive ever hugged her. I wish i never let go.
Now its 5 am. i dont want to tell her mt suicidal thoughts to make her sad. Now i understand why people dont tell the people they love what makes them sad. Because they dont want others to be sad too. sigh
I know suicide is bad but im really tired of this life. Please let me know if i should end it all or just keep living for a soul that probably will forget about me in a few years. Be general, or whatever they call it. I already know suicide is bad and its been on my mind. Its my only escape.
Its been a few years since ive developed severe depression and my suicide thoughts never left me even when i felt greatest. A few years ago i noticed i started developing apathy after embracing nihilism in life since i cant really find a purpose to live for and not to kill myself for.
its been wandering in my for a while now, ive been clean for a few months from trying to kill myself but now i rhat exams are starting i know that i will fail.
after what has happened in 9th grade and before i knew i was going to be alone so i came prepared to 10th grade sitting with someone i never met. she became the light of my life. she was so chill, she hated humanity like me and never socialised. i felt like i can finally be my boring self instead of trying to please fhe person infront of me. we became best friends after a year becase she was also distancing herself from everything. i think i fell in love with her, but this isnt the type of lustful love. being with her fills me with happiness, to put simple. i know we wont ever be together, i dont want to be together as lovers (if thatd would be it would be amazing but still) because i love her platonically.
this year, she moved away. Not far from me but she doesnt want to socialize so she never gets out of her home. We wont ever meet.
Still, i sometimes think if i kill myself what would happen to her? I was so devastated at school and home and couldnt stop crying for 5 days that my teacher came to comfort me saying "Youre a social student, i bet Z will be in a harder situation than you considering she will be in a place with people she never knew while all being asocial." I know it wont be hard for her. she wants to be alone anyway but i became so close to her that i feel like if i disappear it will be okay for her but if she knew i killed myself- i dont want to see her sad, like, ever.
im not coming from a wealthy family. Ive started making my own money just last year. Since childhood ive never really gotten anything i want because of financial problems so i show my affection by buying people stuff they like. I wish i can show Z my affection differently but she doesn't like touch or anything. All i could so at school was to braid her soft hair. I would stare at her the whole class, kinda embarrassing. When she was leaving the town, it was the first time ive ever hugged her. I wish i never let go.
Now its 5 am. i dont want to tell her mt suicidal thoughts to make her sad. Now i understand why people dont tell the people they love what makes them sad. Because they dont want others to be sad too. sigh
I know suicide is bad but im really tired of this life. Please let me know if i should end it all or just keep living for a soul that probably will forget about me in a few years. Be general, or whatever they call it. I already know suicide is bad and its been on my mind. Its my only escape.
