Idk what to do anymore

I wish I didn't get so fucking blinded, I wish I wasnt so delusional maybe then I would've realized how little choices I have, how utterly fucked I am, how my choices as a child fucked uo my future and how im never gonna be able to live a life I want to live. I had so many idea on jobs I could do, things I could do so I could make a living but in reality im never gonna be able to do anything, im mediocre at best at every little thing in my life, good enough for people to notice but never good enough to do anything real, its like a artist on a street drawing people, yeah they might get a few dollars or so and get praised for their art, but is it good enough to live a fulfilling life? No. Is it good enough to be able to pay your mortgage. No. I can try as hard as I like but no matter what I do it will always be mediocre, never enough. Maybe younger me was right in saying I'll die young because all the issues I would've made for myself would be too much. Maybe I should've killed myself, she was smart. She was realistic unlike me. I got blinded but delusions, lile what was I thinking? Im fucking chronically I'll, extremely mentally ill amd dropped out of school in the seventh grade, no matter what I do to learn or be good at something I always hit a wall and give up. Younger me knew that. Why did I get so fucning blinded