Idk what to do anymore

I wish I didn't get so fucking blinded, I wish I wasnt so delusional maybe then I would've realized how little choices I have, how utterly fucked I am, how my choices as a child fucked uo my future and how im never gonna be able to live a life I want to live. I had so many idea on jobs I could do, things I could do so I could make a living but in reality im never gonna be able to do anything, im mediocre at best at every little thing in my life, good enough for people to notice but never good enough to do anything real, its like a artist on a street drawing people, yeah they might get a few dollars or so and get praised for their art, but is it good enough to live a fulfilling life? No. Is it good enough to be able to pay your mortgage. No. I can try as hard as I like but no matter what I do it will always be mediocre, never enough. Maybe younger me was right in saying I'll die young because all the issues I would've made for myself would be too much. Maybe I should've killed myself, she was smart. She was realistic unlike me. I got blinded but delusions, lile what was I thinking? Im fucking chronically I'll, extremely mentally ill amd dropped out of school in the seventh grade, no matter what I do to learn or be good at something I always hit a wall and give up. Younger me knew that. Why did I get so fucning blinded

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wildland

Hey, I can tell you’re really hurting right now, and I’m so sorry things feel this heavy. You don’t deserve to feel like this alone. Even though it probably doesn’t feel like it, what you’re feeling can change.. you are not broken or beyond help. You’ve survived so much already, and that says something about your strength.

You don’t have to figure everything out or “fix” your life right now. What matters most is just getting through this moment safely. There are people who truly care about you and can help you find some relief. If you can, please reach out right now,, you can call or text your local emergency line, or if you’re in the U.S., you can call or text 988 (Suicide and Crisis Lifeline). If you’re outside the U.S., you can find international hotlines here: [findahelpline.com], and they’ll connect you with someone who will just listen and help you feel less alone.

You’re not a failure for struggling. Being human is messy and painful for ALL of us. But you still deserve love, safety, and a future that feels possible. You don’t have to go through this on your own, okay?

Idontknow110 · 22-25, F

@wildland thank you so much for your kindness it really means a lot

Alyosha · 36-40, M

I feel you. I lived with depression in my teenage years and 20's, then became schizophrenic around 30. I've tried writing, but I just cannot plot a novel well enough. I work for very little and live at home with my family. Nothing seems to work out no matter how hard I try.

AngelUnforgiven · 51-55, F

Have you considered a Jop Corp type program like Americorp or something? It sounds like you need counseling, training , skills and a village. They will even help.you obtain a GED

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AngelUnforgiven · 51-55, F

@Idontknow110 it was a government run program similar to job corps. But Trump has cut a lot of the programs from it. And with the government being shut down its in limbo. But i googled it and it says it's not closed permanently. But its a place where you get job training, counseling, some people even live there in dorms, they help with obtaining a GED, you can take classes, receive counseling and at the end they assist you with obtaining a job and you receive somewhere between $3000 to $5000 dollars with your certificate upon completion. If memory serves me correct. Google it and check it out.