I don't wanna live anymore

i don't feel how I'm supposed to feel aren't people my age supposed to be playing outside and being happy? But all I can do is cry everyday and lay in my bed completely locking myself in my room and house. I barely go outside anymore I've locked myself inside for almost 3years I don't want to get up at all, everytime I try to eat I feel guilty and try to make myself throw up people always tell me it's a phase and tells me I'm to young to be depressed but I'm only 11. everyone always blames me for sh*t that's not my problem I feel useless. I don't feel like I belong here anymore I'm just used to be blamed and yelled at I'm sick of everything I just wanna leave this shitty house and world. I remember this one time I was talking to this girl that was 12 and she helped me through stuff then my mom found out and she thought she was an old man and my mom started yelling at me and hit me repeatedly with a book that had 200/100 pages. She never apologized. I cried for f*cling days and starved myself. I wish someone would just understand how I felt but nobody understands me even if I try to tell them they just make it about themselves. I can't tell my friends because theyre still young and their lives are perfect so they wouldn't understand. I just want someone to love me already and to understand me.