I Am Not Where I Wanted to Be At This Age

I used to make plans that were absolutely laughable. I would make lists...by such and such an age I would be married...by such and such an age I would have my first job in graphic design. I would have my first child by such and such an age, and I had no idea that my silly Disneyland expectations of what my life SHOULD be were making me unhappy. I didn't even know that I WAS silly until time had passed. I took myself VERY, very seriously. I don't know what happened to those lists. I think I would look at them two years later and just laugh at my own silliness.

I didn't know that my own lack of experience in life and my own immaturity and silliness were the problem. Instead of taking life as it came, and doing the best I could with what I had to work with, and being happy with what I had, I was a drama queen who became depressed when life didn't go according to my unrealistic expectations.

I know that when my second marriage failed and I went back to college, I was actually driving the good people away, and attracting negative people, who were probably drawn to my own negative energy.