What’s stopping you from wanting to die?

A real burning desire to overcome the horrible abuse I went through for 2 decades. My life is very small and I have no Self due to it. But yet I know it was because of my mom's rage and repulsive, sadistic behavior. I feel if I could JUST accept myself or like myself like many normal people DO, then I will feel true freedom. To be me without incessant ridicule. To just BE. I strive for it. I want to live in honor of kids who were killed from abuse..because some days it was a real threat. I want to feel GOOD for them as a way to Stick it to toxic abusers. It is REALLY hard when you feel you don't even deserve life..but I feel a need to overcome this trauma.