I used to spend hours on this site pretending to be a girl, until I realized I was supposed to be one

So, throughout my twenties, I had several different accounts where I took on a female persona, including a few on this site. Now, I was a guy in real life. Everyone knew me as a guy, and I thought of myself as a guy. But I had this strange hobby of pretending to be a girl on the internet. I didn't think too deeply about it. I just knew that I liked being perceived as female, for some reason. I don't know why I didn't introspect more deeply on that reason. Maybe I was afraid of what I would uncover? I had always felt sympathetic (empathetic?) toward trans people, but for me, I thought that being trans would ruin my life. So I downplayed it, just considered it a weird thing that I liked to do to unwind at the end of the day. And that was fine for a while, until something inside me demanded honesty from myself.

Late last year, I realized that I was aging into the body of an older man, and I found it very unsettling. I thought about my online girl accounts over the years, about how I felt when people perceived me as a girl. I started thinking about my future and my past. I had a heart-to-heart conversation with my then-girlfriend (now-wife!), and she encouraged me to explore my gender. So I did. I've grown out my hair, learned makeup and skincare, and even found some clothes that make me look okay. Sometimes I looked awkward; other times, I'd look in the mirror and I'd see a girl looking back at me, and I loved that. I went to our local Pride event dressed as a woman, and I felt comfortable and at peace. With each step forward that I took on this gender journey, I came closer to confronting the realization that I was supposed to be a girl.

This whole time, I was supposed to be a girl. Subconsciously, I think I knew. When people online perceived me as a girl, I think that was nourishing for my subconscious. But my conscious, day-to-day self was not ready to accept that, for whatever reason.

I've spoken to a therapist about this for most of the year. I spoke to a doctor just last week, and after our consultation she prescribed me HRT (estrogen). I'm finally going to get to be a girl. And, hey, I'm realistic. I know that it'll take time. I know that I'll never be a cis woman. I know that I'll never have some of the experiences that women who were raised as girls have. And I know that some people will look at me funny or refuse to believe that I'm female. But... that's okay, because I'm grateful to live in a time and a place where this is possible for me. And I'm glad that I finally realized the truth about myself. I'll finally get to live as myself not just on the internet, but in the real world too.

Thank you for reading 💜