I don’t know what to do next
I don’t know what to to next, I’ve looked at support groups and counselling and I just can’t bring myself to get out there and ask for help.
But things have gotten to the point where my physical health is suffering badly due to my constant dysphoria. I have PTSD and fybromyaligia and I’ve had social anxiety and GAD, chronic low mood and so on…
I haven’t been able to work because I cannot stand to be around people presenting as I have been forced to since birth. I have worked so hard to try to love myself as I am but that feeling of being unable to express myself never goes away. I have tried to create an identity for myself that is more inline with my body and what society expects me to be but it simply doesn’t work. Deep down inside I know what my identity is, I know what would make me able to live life…
And now I feel forced to do something about it, because all other roads are closed now.
I was planning to just be ill and die but reality says I am fine. I know how ridiculous that sounds, but it really has gotten to the point where I’m hoping for heart disease and terminal Illness. I don’t mean to either! I have a son, I love my son! But I have nothing for myself to live a life as myself. Everything I’ve tried to make it possible to keep living as I am has not worked. I have never been fully a danger to myself, physical self harm beyond over eating and drinking too much has never been something I have felt capable of.
…
God I don’t know what to do.
And seeing people out there not understand and trivialise these experiences like I haven’t tried to make things work! I have tried! I have tried to heal my mind and heart and change my inner identity but it IS NOT POSSIBLE. I cannot be someone I am not. Nobody can.
Why is that so hard to understand for some people.
I am happy my husband is supportive and my family aren’t hateful or anything but…I’ve seen doing EMDR for my PTSD and the flood gates are open this week and there’s no avoiding all this. I haven’t settled all day. I have had a bath to relax my muscles and I have tried to watch tv. But I can’t focus and I can’t relax…moving from thing to thing all day because all I can’t think about is the dysphoria and what I’ll need to do or what I can do and what I want…
I keep feeling sick
God help me I am not okay today
But things have gotten to the point where my physical health is suffering badly due to my constant dysphoria. I have PTSD and fybromyaligia and I’ve had social anxiety and GAD, chronic low mood and so on…
I haven’t been able to work because I cannot stand to be around people presenting as I have been forced to since birth. I have worked so hard to try to love myself as I am but that feeling of being unable to express myself never goes away. I have tried to create an identity for myself that is more inline with my body and what society expects me to be but it simply doesn’t work. Deep down inside I know what my identity is, I know what would make me able to live life…
And now I feel forced to do something about it, because all other roads are closed now.
I was planning to just be ill and die but reality says I am fine. I know how ridiculous that sounds, but it really has gotten to the point where I’m hoping for heart disease and terminal Illness. I don’t mean to either! I have a son, I love my son! But I have nothing for myself to live a life as myself. Everything I’ve tried to make it possible to keep living as I am has not worked. I have never been fully a danger to myself, physical self harm beyond over eating and drinking too much has never been something I have felt capable of.
…
God I don’t know what to do.
And seeing people out there not understand and trivialise these experiences like I haven’t tried to make things work! I have tried! I have tried to heal my mind and heart and change my inner identity but it IS NOT POSSIBLE. I cannot be someone I am not. Nobody can.
Why is that so hard to understand for some people.
I am happy my husband is supportive and my family aren’t hateful or anything but…I’ve seen doing EMDR for my PTSD and the flood gates are open this week and there’s no avoiding all this. I haven’t settled all day. I have had a bath to relax my muscles and I have tried to watch tv. But I can’t focus and I can’t relax…moving from thing to thing all day because all I can’t think about is the dysphoria and what I’ll need to do or what I can do and what I want…
I keep feeling sick
God help me I am not okay today
