I kind of want to get myself a binder but my biggest fear right now is that it'd make me realize things about myself and my gender that I don't want to know.
gender is a part of self discovery, you can't ignore something that important like yourself, and if you're uncomfortable with what you find then it's not you
yourself should be comfy with yourself, does that make sense? explore all you can until you are comfortable with being yourself, not only comfortable but enjoy being you