I Love Stupid Jokes

A man comes home one evening and hears a noise in the large tree in front of his house. On closer inspection he is alarmed to see a large gorilla sitting in a branch masturbating. He calls emergency services who inform him there is nothing they can do right now but suggest he call a commercial gorilla removal service. Alexa lists 3 gorilla removal services, one is fairly close to him!

Soon a large truck arrives from the Best Gorilla Removal Co. A man gets out of the truck, looks at the Gorilla, still masturbating furiously in the tree, and approaches the homeowner. I'll just need a few things from the truck, he says, and I'll have this gorilla out of here in a jiffy! He retrieves a long pole marked "Gorilla Poker" a pair of large handcuffs, a vicious looking dog and a shotgun and explains, I'm going to climb up the tree and poke the gorilla until he falls out of the tree. Then Sam, the dogs name is Sam, Sam will run in clamp down on the gorilla's business with his teeth and hold him on the ground until I get the cuffs on him, then hands the owner the shotgun. What's this for the homeowner asks?

Well, as you can see the gorilla is enjoying himself and doesn't like to be poked with the pole. Sometimes he grabs the pole and pokes back. If I fall out of the tree first, you shoot that damned dog quick!

PhoenixPhail · M

You gotta watch those little old ladies.

The Biker:

A biker stops by the Harley Shop to have his bike fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home. On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and an anvil. He stopped by the feed store/livestock dealer and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose.

However, now having purchased all of these items, he now has a problem: how to carry home all of his purchases.

While he is scratching his head, he is approached by a little old lady who tells him she’s lost. She asks, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?" The biker said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I live at 1616 Mockingbird Lane. I would walk you home but I can't carry this lot." The old lady said, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under either arm and carry the goose in your other hand?" Why thank-you very much" he said, and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

On the way he says, "Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time." The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?"

The biker said, "Holy smokes lady! I’m carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"

The lady said, "Set down the goose, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."

GerOttman · 61-69, M

I was taking a shower at the gym after a workout. This guy strolls in with glitter all over his ballsac... Pretty nuts!!

HumanEarth · F

Women say men don't know how to eat pussy. Well I got news for you. Just lick the alphabet. It makes you appear creative, it's an easy diagram to remember, it's like "aaaaa.... beeeee.... ceeee." She's thinking you're from fuckin' Europe or somethin: "OH GOD, WHERE'D YOU LEARN THAT, OHHH," and you're doing is "A, B, C, D, E, F, G".