I can't decide if I want to be male or female
Since the age of 11 (currently 18 y/o) I have been identifying as transgender male, and have had severe identity problems ever since, changing my aesthetic completely every so often and oftentimes struggling to decide on one particular aesthetic. All my life everything I see (people in particular) gets arranged into a network of schemata or mental images, each one has its own distinctive vibe and aesthetic and personality traits associated with it, there are countless, of both genders but mostly female, and I can't decide which one I want to be the most. I spend a lot of time thinking about "out of all of these imaginary people, which one do I remind other people of the most?" and it's especially more prevalent if I am stoned and/or listening to music. I frequently ask people to give me their opinion of what colour, food, country, letter, number, decade, etc they would associate with me the most but at the same time I know I shouldn't do that because it's embarrassing.
Today at some point I thought to myself, "I look great dressed like this especially with the wavy blonde/yellow/orange mop hair, skinny androgynous boyish physique, and fjallraven kanken. The purple adidas T-shirt and striped blue and white cargo shorts look cool" but at some point later on in the same day while getting the bus to my brother's house I was thinking about how dehumanizing it is for any XX chromosome person to dress like this, how dehumanizing it feels for anyone to do something so modern (particularly wearing modern clothes and using modern technology) for some unknown reason, how cringe it was of me to be transgender and how instead of being some broke unemployed sleep-deprived slacker that lives off weed cigarettes and energy drinks, which my younger self thought was cool and attractive but my adult self is now starting to think is embarrassing, I should aspire to be more "sophisticated". E.g.
- Less energy drinks, more yerba mate tea.
- Less cigarettes/drugs/vodka, more herbal tea in general (I mean valerian, blue lotus, mugwort, passionflower etc from eBay or eastern european supermarkets not them disgusting ugly branded overpriced herbal infusions from Holland and Barrett).
- Less pot noodles, more salad and homemade vegetarian Chinese meals.
- Don't wear hoodies, T-shirts, baggy cargo shorts, karrimor walking shoes. Dress like a female, not just any female, but one that can aesthetically think for herself and not be subject to the rules of the hideous 2020s cool girls that wear black tank tops black leggings black Nike trainers make-up and vape, nor would I want to blindly follow some internet aesthetic like e-girl or bimbo or coquette (I think I'm probably out of the loop). I would rather wear peter pan collar dresses/blouses, lolita dresses, sailor dresses, hair ribbons, chunky laced shoes.
- Somehow get a job (I've tried loads of times, no response) in order to eventually earn enough money to do a degree at university, as long as it is interesting and will result in a job I actually enjoy (I love learning about psychology but I don't think I would particularly enjoy being a therapist that helps people with mental health issues).
I find it hard though. I see males everywhere and I think to myself I wish I was like them, I wish I was them. I have an eclectic music taste, some of it makes me feel masculine and some of it makes me feel feminine. Different songs/bands/artists/albums/genres cause me to think of different mental images. There is still, and probably always will be, a large component of my psyche that longs to be a male and not a female, sometimes I go through phases of feeling somewhat more feminine but not entirely (not to the point where I could happily detransition and have female pronouns/name without feeling uncomfortable in the slightest) and it's pretty much like I force myself to believe that being transgender is a bad thing because, no transphobia intended, it feels a bit embarrassing, especially if one is yet to medically transition (it is taking an eternity to get transferred to the adult clinic).
People tell me that I should just "be myself" but that is the vaguest piece of advice ever. Today I wore a feminine jacket and I put my hair in pigtails with hair ribbons, didn't feel that awkward, only time I did was when someone called me my male name (but I wouldn't feel comfortable with my birth name either, my birth name is very ugly imo). But that jacket is the only feminine item of clothing I own that I actually like, all the others are hideous and tacky. I need to have enough money to buy more female clothes but I'm rather poor, I could sell all of my unwanted trash on Vinted but that would be inconvenient and extremely time-consuming.
Dichotomies. Young/old, male/female, educated/uneducated, popular/unpopular, modern/old-fashioned, healthy/unhealthy, etc, I have mixed feelings about these and I can't decide on which one I'd rather be perceived as. Both ends of each spectrum look equally as appealing and I can't explain why.
Today at some point I thought to myself, "I look great dressed like this especially with the wavy blonde/yellow/orange mop hair, skinny androgynous boyish physique, and fjallraven kanken. The purple adidas T-shirt and striped blue and white cargo shorts look cool" but at some point later on in the same day while getting the bus to my brother's house I was thinking about how dehumanizing it is for any XX chromosome person to dress like this, how dehumanizing it feels for anyone to do something so modern (particularly wearing modern clothes and using modern technology) for some unknown reason, how cringe it was of me to be transgender and how instead of being some broke unemployed sleep-deprived slacker that lives off weed cigarettes and energy drinks, which my younger self thought was cool and attractive but my adult self is now starting to think is embarrassing, I should aspire to be more "sophisticated". E.g.
- Less energy drinks, more yerba mate tea.
- Less cigarettes/drugs/vodka, more herbal tea in general (I mean valerian, blue lotus, mugwort, passionflower etc from eBay or eastern european supermarkets not them disgusting ugly branded overpriced herbal infusions from Holland and Barrett).
- Less pot noodles, more salad and homemade vegetarian Chinese meals.
- Don't wear hoodies, T-shirts, baggy cargo shorts, karrimor walking shoes. Dress like a female, not just any female, but one that can aesthetically think for herself and not be subject to the rules of the hideous 2020s cool girls that wear black tank tops black leggings black Nike trainers make-up and vape, nor would I want to blindly follow some internet aesthetic like e-girl or bimbo or coquette (I think I'm probably out of the loop). I would rather wear peter pan collar dresses/blouses, lolita dresses, sailor dresses, hair ribbons, chunky laced shoes.
- Somehow get a job (I've tried loads of times, no response) in order to eventually earn enough money to do a degree at university, as long as it is interesting and will result in a job I actually enjoy (I love learning about psychology but I don't think I would particularly enjoy being a therapist that helps people with mental health issues).
I find it hard though. I see males everywhere and I think to myself I wish I was like them, I wish I was them. I have an eclectic music taste, some of it makes me feel masculine and some of it makes me feel feminine. Different songs/bands/artists/albums/genres cause me to think of different mental images. There is still, and probably always will be, a large component of my psyche that longs to be a male and not a female, sometimes I go through phases of feeling somewhat more feminine but not entirely (not to the point where I could happily detransition and have female pronouns/name without feeling uncomfortable in the slightest) and it's pretty much like I force myself to believe that being transgender is a bad thing because, no transphobia intended, it feels a bit embarrassing, especially if one is yet to medically transition (it is taking an eternity to get transferred to the adult clinic).
People tell me that I should just "be myself" but that is the vaguest piece of advice ever. Today I wore a feminine jacket and I put my hair in pigtails with hair ribbons, didn't feel that awkward, only time I did was when someone called me my male name (but I wouldn't feel comfortable with my birth name either, my birth name is very ugly imo). But that jacket is the only feminine item of clothing I own that I actually like, all the others are hideous and tacky. I need to have enough money to buy more female clothes but I'm rather poor, I could sell all of my unwanted trash on Vinted but that would be inconvenient and extremely time-consuming.
Dichotomies. Young/old, male/female, educated/uneducated, popular/unpopular, modern/old-fashioned, healthy/unhealthy, etc, I have mixed feelings about these and I can't decide on which one I'd rather be perceived as. Both ends of each spectrum look equally as appealing and I can't explain why.
18-21, M
