How TF do I stop getting all these notifications from SW??

oh, you found it. I was making a screen shot.
perfect UI design, have account -> settings -> notifications, but don't put that config there. or even a link to it, make people go to the bell cuz that means notifications and where you get them is where you config them. geeeeeez.
it's like you don't even remember control shift escape alt f8 for help dialog.

On your notifications page (the bell symbol in the top menu bar) select the orange square with the three horizontal lines (menu button, top right corner). Notification settings there.

? What are you getting?

I even get them in my sleep

On sw or in your emails? 😅

When I look at SW on my phone, I just browse it through google's web browser.

Honestly, having a separate app for SW isn't needed.

Did you see the archived gifts?

Settings and turn everything off

Or

Throw phone out the window

Account settings email preferences.

lolz 🍿