Math Teacher Detained at JFK
— Suspected Member of “Al-Gebra” Movement
In a shocking development at JFK International Airport this morning, TSA agents detained a public school math teacher attempting to board a flight to Miami while carrying highly suspicious items: a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a scientific calculator, and — most alarming — a vintage slide rule.
Authorities claim the teacher is linked to the underground “Al-Gebra” network, a radical group allegedly involved in constructing radical expressions and plotting unknown functions.
Attorney General Kamala Harris addressed reporters this afternoon, saying, “This individual was found in possession of instruments of math instruction. Our intelligence community warns that Al-Gebra operatives have been multiplying across the country.”
The FBI, DOE, and TSA are jointly investigating. “They communicate in strange code — X, Y, even lowercase z — and refer to each other only as ‘unknowns,’” said one agent. “We suspect they’ve been carrying out operations for years — possibly without a permit.”
An anonymous informant revealed that Al-Gebra’s mission is to “make America solve again,” a claim the group denies, calling it an “over-simplification.” The suspect allegedly told agents he was “just returning from a math conference” but refused to answer any questions without first showing his work.
Meanwhile, schools nationwide have gone on alert. “We’re encouraging students to report any teachers caught graphing without authorization or discussing square roots in public,” said an Education Department spokesperson.
As one TSA agent summed it up: “Frankly, we should’ve seen this coming. He tried to board with a carry-on full of sine waves.”
In a shocking development at JFK International Airport this morning, TSA agents detained a public school math teacher attempting to board a flight to Miami while carrying highly suspicious items: a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a scientific calculator, and — most alarming — a vintage slide rule.
Authorities claim the teacher is linked to the underground “Al-Gebra” network, a radical group allegedly involved in constructing radical expressions and plotting unknown functions.
Attorney General Kamala Harris addressed reporters this afternoon, saying, “This individual was found in possession of instruments of math instruction. Our intelligence community warns that Al-Gebra operatives have been multiplying across the country.”
The FBI, DOE, and TSA are jointly investigating. “They communicate in strange code — X, Y, even lowercase z — and refer to each other only as ‘unknowns,’” said one agent. “We suspect they’ve been carrying out operations for years — possibly without a permit.”
An anonymous informant revealed that Al-Gebra’s mission is to “make America solve again,” a claim the group denies, calling it an “over-simplification.” The suspect allegedly told agents he was “just returning from a math conference” but refused to answer any questions without first showing his work.
Meanwhile, schools nationwide have gone on alert. “We’re encouraging students to report any teachers caught graphing without authorization or discussing square roots in public,” said an Education Department spokesperson.
As one TSA agent summed it up: “Frankly, we should’ve seen this coming. He tried to board with a carry-on full of sine waves.”
