This is going to sound sooo weird, but I saw this sick baby bird at the pool....

I think it might be a turtle dove. It was sitting, immovable by the side of the water, and I so badly wanted to scoop it up and mend it somehow....

But I have no idea how to make it better, and I could get sick too.

For some reason this really affected me, and I squeezed my eyes shut and prayed really hard that God would let me see it fly.

There is a verse in the Bible, Matthew 6:26, that says, "Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?"

Lately I have really been struggling with the goodness of God. I see so much suffering and wonder how it brings Him glory. But as I walked up to the bird a second time, it flew up onto the fence.

I was reminded of a poem I had scribbled together in 5 mins in my 20s..one of unbelief..because I see birds die all the time, and my parents were very cruel to me growing up.

That doesn't mean God doesn't feed them.

I'm still working out the inscrutable nature of God, but this smol baby birb is still perched next to me, high on its fence, where it flew.

And God allowed my counselor to see through my mom today, even as she set her first appointment for counseling. My therapist said that, even then, she would classify my mom as "aggressive", and my dad as "meek".

I thought that, for suuure, she would have been on her best behavior, given that she seems to want an arbiter to "determine her the victor" of who was the abusive one growing up.

Just as I didn't think the bird would likely fly, I didn't think anyone would be able to see through my mom's covert narcissism.

I don't know man, I have phases, but I choose to believe.

Here is that poem I wrote in my 20s:

"Go Back To Sleep"

If I shouldn't worry
Cuz the birds have no hurry
And God takes care of them..
Tell me why we're eating bird curry
And we need to bury
All but the last two wrens..

If the apple was a poison
And Eve's stem cells were frozen,
Would all her offspring be zombies?
While the disciples are dozin'
And Judas is posin',
Jesus retires to the garden then dies.

Do I feel better
Because I was born a debtor
And He paid the price?
How to tear off the fetters
And pay off the lenders?
I could really use your advice.

If a woman came from a bone from a man
And now the man is back in her,
Show me the plan,
Lend me a hand,
Forget I sprouted from a boner.

I'm a tree by the water..
Don't feel like their daughter,
Maybe I forgot how to feel.
Hell is getting hotter
Cuz i read Harry Potter
And now i'm refusing

To kneel.