foldedunfolding

Orientation can and does change over time. It’s a complex thing having to do with base attraction, biology, brain chemistry, thought processes, and even feelings. And there’s also a difference between romanticism and sexual attraction. For me at this time, I’ve come to believe that I am and probably always have been Demi-romantic, so I can and have fallen romantically for a guy but as far as attraction and orientation, I’m pretty much full on homosexual… so unless they just want to be plutonic lovers… it’s basically headed for disaster. Plus, I’m very much a high libido and very sexual person and it’s not something they can ever fulfill because I just can’t get in the right mindset for that with a man. It sounds like you are the male version of me. I know that you love and adore your wife on a romantic and feelings level but the passion is just for same sex, as it is with me. My ex Jacob was a great person, very attentive, and literally adored me (I tried pushing him away but he wore me down with his kindness and care.) So, due to that… when I let him be with me (which wasn’t that often honestly,) I’d often try to close my eyes if he was going down on me and try to imagine it was still my ex Toni before him. Due to the huge differences between a woman and a man going down on you, this rarely if ever worked… and usually I’d just have to get myself off later after he was done and had fallen asleep. I just had kind of resigned myself to just being unsatisfied sexually… and he was very attentive both sexually and emotionally, I’m just not wired for guys like that, so he was kind of wasting his time, but he sure did try. He even suggested we bring a girl in once, which if you knew Jacob was totally for me and not him. He adored everything about me and didn’t want to share me with anyone, including another woman. I declined as I knew that while that would help me sexually in the moment… it would end up being the end of us, because that’s what I really wanted… was a women, just a woman. I could tell when I declined that he was relieved… I think part of him knew it too… he was just desperate to make me feel fulfilled. You can only fake it so much before an mindful and attentive lover… figures it out. I cared for him deeply, but it’s probably a blessing that my life blew up and we ended. I could have never been what he wanted and deserved… no matter how much he adored me as a person, and he could never be what I needed either. At some point, we might have even started to resent each other. I had really tried to be that for him because he was so sweet, but we can’t really be what we’re not or feel what we don’t. He told me one time that he wished he could just live within my thoughts. He loved my creativity and passion for life. He was always saying sweet things like that to me. I do truly wish him well. I know sexuality is somewhat fluid and can and does change over time but I feel that I’m much less fluid now… and I’ll most likely never be with another man. So in conclusion (Haha,) I guess this long ass book of a reply was just my way of saying I totally get it.