Lately I've been thinking about my mom a lot

I told my family about the baby finally 🙃 they were actually excited which made it cool. But I think about my mom & how she probably won't even know until the baby's already born & she sees pictures on social media somehow.

It hurts me to think about my mom lately because I just think shit like, "how were you ever okay with abandoning your kids?" 🤔 Like my kids not even born yet & I already can't imagine willingly leaving & choosing drugs first.

I never really talk about it because I don't remember it anyway, but my mom even abused me as a baby 🥺 she told me that herself when I got old enough, & when I asked my family about it they said yeah, that's true. She even went on a tv show where she admitted it & had to talk about it. My grandma said she kept it on vhs still if I ever wanna see it but I never watched it.

All I know is my mom said she didn't know how to handle a baby, when I'd cry she'd just flip out & start hitting me. She said she didn't mean to but she'd just keep going, slapping & hitting me over & over. She vowed to never hit me again & she never did ever since then. But now I even think about that & I just wonder how tf anyone could do that to a baby. How can you physically hurt your own baby? How can you just leave & move all the way to Alaska for YEARS just to party without wondering how your babies are doing? 😒

It just sucks because I love my mom & I'll never hate her... but I can't bring myself to talk to her anymore 😔 there's things I do love about her but all I can think now is how I NEVER wanna be like her. If I ever turn out like my mom then I failed miserably. I kinda fear that.

I ignored it my whole childhood but it really sucks to live your whole life wishing you had a real mom. I guess I still struggle with that. I can't even tell her she's gonna have another grandbaby.. & I wish I could.

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akindheart · 61-69, F

the important thing is to break the generational curse as it is called. i had a very stressful childhood. not as difficult as yours but mine left scars too. I turned out to be the best mom ever and i have this feeling, you will be great too.

her 15 mins of fame, cost a lot. the beauty of your abuse is that you turned out so much better...i have faith in you...you will be a great father.

ChiefJustWalks · 26-30

@akindheart I'm glad you became a great mom despite everything. & Thank you 🖤 all I want is to be a great parent & it kinda worries me sometimes because I don't wanna fail 😔 my dad was abusive for a period in time too... but he always provided & he took on all 3 of us on his own. I wanna be like my dad tbh... Minus that abusive phase

akindheart · 61-69, F

@ChiefJustWalks i have to tell you this...don't be offended..but there is something huggable about you. you are a genuine good person. you are going to do fine!

DearAmbellina2113 · 41-45, F

Some people are definitely not meant to be parents. My mom abandoned us too, and was very physically and verbally abusive to us when we were little. She keeps in touch with us now, but we keep her at a distance because she's not trustworthy.

ChiefJustWalks · 26-30

@DearAmbellina2113 yeah I get that. Nobody in my family really keeps in touch with my mom because nobody trusts her. I do trust her a bit because she's very honest with me... but I just see her as unreliable & inconsistent.

I agree though, not everyone is meant to be a parent. For me, being a dad is the only thing I've always known I wanted. So maybe I'll never understand our mom's pov

Notladylike

I can tell you are going to be so different for your baby. That’s what you need to focus on

ChiefJustWalks · 26-30

@Notladylike I don't even know why I'm crying rn.. I think it just means a lot to me. So hopefully that's a good thing

YoMomma ·

I think she was just young and didn't know anything.. she's better now right??

ChiefJustWalks · 26-30

@YoMomma no 😒 still on drugs... still disappearing. Same old shit 😔

iamonfire696 · 41-45, F

I am sorry you went through that. I can tell you won’t be like that. You are already thinking about all of those things and wondering how someone could do that to their children.

My mom abused me as a kid, she was an alcoholic, she didn’t protect me from the man that molested her, so he molested me.

It’s okay that you don’t have her in your life, it’s better this way. My mom has early on set
Dementia at 64 so I am stuck with her.

You already love your little one so much. You were meant to be a dad.

ChiefJustWalks · 26-30

@iamonfire696 I'm sorry about your mom 🙁 reading about sexual abuse especially hurts me in a different type of way. Like it makes me sad but it also makes me really angry. I truly want all of those people dead. & The people who allow it to happen are almost just as bad. Because if I could've saved my sister I would've 😔 that shit will probably haunt me forever.

I wish I could have my mom in my life. I just don't know if it's worth trying anymore. I don't want my baby growing up with a grandma who's on drugs & can't be reliable 😒 baby doesn't deserve that. I didn't either but I'll be damned if my baby does.

But thank you 🖤 & I hope your mom's doing okay these days at least 🙏

LordShadowfire · 46-50, M

She doesn't sound like a mom to me. Not saying you don't have the right to call her whatever you like, but while there's no doubt she's a mother (in that she performed the bare minimum of committing her genetic material and her uterus to bringing you into the world), I could never call her mom.

Maybe it's different for me, because I did have two loving people who raised me. Those are my mom and dad, not the people who got together one drunk night and made me.

ChiefJustWalks · 26-30

@LordShadowfire that's awesome that you have that 🙏 but yeah my stepmom is more of a mom than my real mom. So I'm thankful for that. But I never appreciated her as much as I do now as an adult

LordShadowfire · 46-50, M

@ChiefJustWalks I know. Some things, you have to grow up to realize. But I'm glad you had someone.

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