Lately I've been thinking about my mom a lot
I told my family about the baby finally 馃檭 they were actually excited which made it cool. But I think about my mom & how she probably won't even know until the baby's already born & she sees pictures on social media somehow.
It hurts me to think about my mom lately because I just think shit like, "how were you ever okay with abandoning your kids?" 馃 Like my kids not even born yet & I already can't imagine willingly leaving & choosing drugs first.
I never really talk about it because I don't remember it anyway, but my mom even abused me as a baby 馃ズ she told me that herself when I got old enough, & when I asked my family about it they said yeah, that's true. She even went on a tv show where she admitted it & had to talk about it. My grandma said she kept it on vhs still if I ever wanna see it but I never watched it.
All I know is my mom said she didn't know how to handle a baby, when I'd cry she'd just flip out & start hitting me. She said she didn't mean to but she'd just keep going, slapping & hitting me over & over. She vowed to never hit me again & she never did ever since then. But now I even think about [i]that[/i] & I just wonder how tf anyone could do that to a baby. How can you physically hurt your own baby? How can you just leave & move all the way to Alaska for YEARS just to party without wondering how your babies are doing? 馃槖
It just sucks because I love my mom & I'll never hate her... but I can't bring myself to talk to her anymore 馃様 there's things I do love about her but all I can think now is how I NEVER wanna be like her. If I ever turn out like my mom then I failed miserably. I kinda fear that.
I ignored it my whole childhood but it really sucks to live your whole life wishing you had a real mom. I guess I still struggle with that. I can't even tell her she's gonna have another grandbaby.. & I wish I could.
It hurts me to think about my mom lately because I just think shit like, "how were you ever okay with abandoning your kids?" 馃 Like my kids not even born yet & I already can't imagine willingly leaving & choosing drugs first.
I never really talk about it because I don't remember it anyway, but my mom even abused me as a baby 馃ズ she told me that herself when I got old enough, & when I asked my family about it they said yeah, that's true. She even went on a tv show where she admitted it & had to talk about it. My grandma said she kept it on vhs still if I ever wanna see it but I never watched it.
All I know is my mom said she didn't know how to handle a baby, when I'd cry she'd just flip out & start hitting me. She said she didn't mean to but she'd just keep going, slapping & hitting me over & over. She vowed to never hit me again & she never did ever since then. But now I even think about [i]that[/i] & I just wonder how tf anyone could do that to a baby. How can you physically hurt your own baby? How can you just leave & move all the way to Alaska for YEARS just to party without wondering how your babies are doing? 馃槖
It just sucks because I love my mom & I'll never hate her... but I can't bring myself to talk to her anymore 馃様 there's things I do love about her but all I can think now is how I NEVER wanna be like her. If I ever turn out like my mom then I failed miserably. I kinda fear that.
I ignored it my whole childhood but it really sucks to live your whole life wishing you had a real mom. I guess I still struggle with that. I can't even tell her she's gonna have another grandbaby.. & I wish I could.
