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I Want To Talk About Parenting

The most recent issue I have with my 11 year old daughter is that she is wanting a smartphone, like some of the kids she knows. Personally, I do not understand why they need one at that age. Who do they need to call? If they want to meet up with friends, I can make those arrangements. Some parents say it is good so you can always reach them, but I do not see it as necessary. 20 years ago kids were fine without them. However, I am doubting at what age I should allow her a phone.

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xixgun · M

1) You're absolutely right. She's 11. At 11, I knew my family and my neighbor's dog. If she wants to "talk to friends from school", use the house phone.

2) With the preponderance of pervs, that so many are trying to make us feel guilty for calling pervs, I can see the case for her having an emergency phone.

I would get a $15 flip phone from Verizon (with limited text option) and 300 minutes a month (pre paid). It is an emergency phone, not a "ain't I cool, blah blah blah, I'm talking to my friends during dinner" phone.

Hope that helps.

StrictSingleMother · 36-40, F

@xixgun Thank you so much for your advice. You may be right about the emergency phone and I will think about it.

acpguy · C

@xixgun Great points. I have my own consulting business and have a flip phone. Everyone I do business with, my kids and my wife; I tell them them if they want to deal with me call and speak to me I do not do texts. If I cannot answer their number will be there or they can leave a voice message.
I also tell them they can send emails as I always have my laptop and when away from home I go through emails when I get to my motel at night.
I have had a consulting business since 1997 and have yet to have any problems with this and it has grown to the point I do not want anymore clients.

KimberleyAnne · F

Most of her friends will have a phone so she will feel left out if she doesn't.
Cheap or Second hand phones aren't too expensive these days.
If you're worried about what she does you can install parental control software. I have this on my phone and it works..

acpguy · C

@KimberleyAnne Kids will get over "feeling left out" which is a very stupid reason for getting a smart phone. We need to break kids of getting things just for that reason. We are creating snowflakes by entitling them and giving them things for reasons like that.

KimberleyAnne · F

@acpguy having a phone is useful though, there is nothing wrong with one. Its up to parents to control excessive use

acpguy · C

@KimberleyAnne Flip phones work just fine and they don't do the social media bullshit that causes problems.

lasergraph · 70-79, M

Children seek validation from others, especially girls. It isn't a new phenomenon, it has been since the beginning of time.
xixgun has some good advice and I will second those suggestions. Since she and others seek validations she is a prime target for predators. If you get any kind of phone for her, monitor it closely. It there are numbers that show up on it, make sure you know who they belong to. I personally think we have become too attached to our devices at ANY age. We don't go and do anything anymore.

Strictgram · 70-79, C

Mine are long gone from the nest. Not sorry I never faced that problem.

Babydoll4life · 22-25, F

I say closer to 13 or 14

DancingQueensie · 46-50, F

I'd tell her to start doing a LOT more work around the house and you get a small flip phone that I get to check every day when I want. Then she can call and text but that's it. No internet, no apps just talk and text and you have the right to check it when you want and she doesn't take it to school, keep it after say 7 at night and she will do chores to pay for the phone period. My 13 year old decided she needed one so she does a TON of housework and doesn't get to use it that often because she's in the terrible teens. You know when they think they know it all.

KimberleyAnne · F

@DancingQueensie i think that's a bit too strict. Everyone has a smartphone these days, and if youre concerned to protect her just install parental control software on her phone - thats what my parents did for me

lovingdead · 31-35, M

I agree 1000%, I've always thought if they want one they have to earn it. Maintain a certain grade in school, to get it, then do certain tasks/chores to keep it.

nevergiveup · M

think about her circumstances would a phone be some thing you could use to stay in touch and she could ring if there was any problems.

acpguy · C

@nevergiveup I can see giving them a cheap flip phone as they need the communication and the flip phones are normally tougher and cheaper than the smart phones that get dropped or lost.

Lefty63

When my kid was that age and younger he wanted one I got him a flip phone talk and text only and it benefits you to your able to get in touch with them

Mona86 · C

No they weren’t 20 years ago kids were left behind school for hours because they couldn’t reach their kids and let them know if they are able to make it or be late etc... this way if you are late they can tell you where to meet you when yous can’t reach them in school grounds and should wouldn’t have to wait forever

StrictSingleMother · 36-40, F

@Mona86 I can call the school.

Mona86 · C

Do you know annoying and humiliating it can be for that to happen @StrictSingleMother

Candice · 46-50, F

Get her a pay as you go phone which she finances out of her allowance

Shayla · F

I have told my kids that before they get a phone they need to come up with the money to buy one and have a reasonable way to pay their own bill. Once that is in place we can discuss the rules and limits of having a phone.

StrictSingleMother · 36-40, F

@Shayla That is a good idea. Those things cost so much nowadays.

Shayla · F

@StrictSingleMother It can help encourage fiscal responsibility and the child is usually more careful about not losing or breaking things that they have to pay for.
Good luck.

Khenpal1 · M

You see , life is not like 20 years ago , be strict within the reason . Not that she needs to phone someone , but girls communicate more. Nowadays you will put her general maturity behind without smartphone , if she do not spend time on games like boys then 11yo is fine age.

ddlknaz · M

Maybe a standard cell phone instead of a smartphone to start, and 13 for that. Smartphones allow too much access to places they shouldn't be. I'd say 16 to 17 is the right age... gives you more time to teach them proper and improper use.

acpguy · C

I think a flip phone would be fine. The kids with smart phones that I have seen spend way too much time on social media and texting (sexting?) which in my experience causes a lot of major issues including suicides because of bullying on social media.

JaggedLittlePill · 46-50, F

You seem to have your mind made up.

I find using the argument of what we had as kids or did not have in order to deny a child something they have asked for in a different day and age ridiculous though.

If you don't want her to have one and don't see a purpose in it then simply say so and leave it at that. Give her an age where you deem it appropriate and stick to it. Period. Why add other lame reasonings?

StrictSingleMother · 36-40, F

@JaggedLittlePill Lame reasonings?

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acpguy · C

@PraiseTheLord Spoken like a true snowflake. Kids do not need smart phones as well as most adults. Too many get involved to deeply with social media not to mention texting while driving.

SW-User

They are very expensive and it does seem kids get them earlier and earlier but you could get a more basic one and only put limited apps on it. The threat of taking away the phone can be a good way get them to listen better too.

KimberleyAnne · F

I'm sure most of her friends have s phone so she probably feels left out. If you're worried you could install parental control software to prevent her from seeing inappropriate stuff

Jakefromnj · 41-45, M

I got my daughter one at 13. Problem is now my 11yo wants one. Can’t win lol

drhhh · 41-45, M

smartphones are the curse of this era, my 4 years old son wants one

billstickers · 36-40, M

now

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