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Having a hard time processing a difficult event that happened over Christmas.

Someone contacted me that I haven’t heard from in over 20 years. My mom‘s ex-husband. They got divorced when I was really young like 3 or 4 years old. No this is not my biological father. Allegedly, he was very abusive to my mother. One of the reasons why she left. For many years after the divorce it was the typical story of him saying that he will be there for birthdays and Christmases but never showed up. No phone call. Left me very traumatized along with having trust and abandonment issues. Now given my mom wasn’t perfect either. Had her own issues. Lied. Supposedly told her ex-husband that I was his but found out during a blood test that I wasn’t. My mom had lied to me for many years about her drug and alcohol abuse. Along with other things. Wasn’t really that good of a person. So I have my own trust issues around my mother as well. She died in 2017 from cancer. Fast forward to Christmas 2023. I get a phone call from her ex-husband. Says that he’s been wanting to contact me for years. Says that there are things that he’s wanted to tell me but hasn’t been able to. Said that my mother made it very difficult for him to see me. Kept me from him. Says that he doesn’t want to badmouth the dead, but there were things that happened that he thinks I need to know about. Wants to meet up and talk face-to-face. Told him if he wants to travel to meet up in my hometown that’s up to him. He says that he wants to be here for me now, and have a relationship with me. So New Year’s arrives. I thought maybe I’d hear Happy New Year’s from him. Nothing. Just like when I was a kid. Three days later no happy new year. Haven’t heard from him since Christmas. Just like when I was a kid. Why should I have any trust in anybody? Why should I have faith that someone is going to actually be there for me and not let me down? I have never had a positive person in my life that I can trust to be there for me. Everybody always lies to me and lets me down. I am seriously about ready just to block his number. It’s like you had your chance and you blew it. Why should I try to trust people when I just keep getting traumatized and hurt over and over again? Should I just block his ass? Or should I see if he contacts me and gives me some BS excuse on why I haven’t heard from him since Christmas? Idk what to do or think. But one thing I know for sure it is not my placed to contact him. If he wants this supposed relationship and to be here for me now then he needs to be the one to reach out, not me.

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sunriselover · M

A lot of guys have been caught that way and bond with a child that is not biologically theirs.

But he walked away from you when you were very young, and you hardly knew him.

So personally, I would ignore him, or block him. My alarm bells are up.

DisarrayedNightshade · 36-40, F

@sunriselover thank you. My alarm bells are up as well. I am very guarded. I think the last time I saw him I was either seven or nine years old. I’m almost 37 now. So why wait so long to try to contact me now? Supposedly, my mom made it really difficult for him to come see me? Sounds like a BS excuse to me. so I don’t know who to believe. Maybe I should just block him to keep myself protected and from getting hurt worse than I already am.

TheOrionbeltseeker · 36-40, M

You should give him some time for anyone would not start from a day suddenly and be good to you. He also may want to appear normal to you but deep inside, maybe he is carrying that burden and guilt which is making this relationship not natural at present. Wishing every occasion all of a sudden makes no sense.

He needs some cool off time and you too. Enjoy your life. Don't be bothered. He will definitely contact you again and would also be willing to meet you. Be yourself. Don't ponder over things.

DisarrayedNightshade · 36-40, F

@TheOrionbeltseeker thanks for your input on this issue I appreciate your response

Jenny1234 · 51-55, F

Don’t block him. See what happens

View 1 more replies »

Jenny1234 · 51-55, F

@DisarrayedNightshade ok you’re right. Follow your intuition

DisarrayedNightshade · 36-40, F

@Jenny1234 thank you for reaching out and commenting. I appreciate it. This is a very difficult confusing topic. I don’t have a therapist to help me figure out the right solution. And I don’t have many friends either.

IndianaJoes · M

@DisarrayedNightshade OMG. This is probably the top #1 spooky story of the night honestly. If I was you I might even consider going to the police station and tell the police you're not there to stir any problems up and there's probably no problems and your hope there won't be any problems but you just like to put a report in a file cabinet somewhere so if something would happen to you then the investigators will know who the first guy to go talk to would be. You know no restraining orders or anything like that. Unless it becomes necessary of course. You're not there to stir up any crap just tell the nice police officers that this is weirding you out and you just want them to put some kind of a file in a cabinet somewhere at the police station that'll pop up if something crazy comes out of this.

Pretzel · 61-69, M

why on earth would he want to justify himself now after all these years?

wanted to reach out for years? must not have been so motivated.

and why does he want to crap on your mom now that she's not hear to defend herself.

let him clear his conscience some other way :)

DisarrayedNightshade · 36-40, F

@Pretzel the whole thing breaks my brain. I don’t know why he chose to contact me after this many years. I’m not even his biological kid. It’s confusing. It’s like why do you even care? Like why do you care to contact me if I’m not even your biological daughter? And I’m already having a lot of confusing emotions around my mom and our relationship as well. She lied to me and hurt me. I’m afraid that if I meet up with her ex that he’s going to tell me a bunch of stuff and then I won’t know who to believe. Because my mom won’t be here to defend herself. Did she really lie to him and tell him that I was his biological kid and found out through a blood test that I wasn’t? I don’t know, but I worry that I’m gonna be more confused and traumatized if I go and meet up with him.

Pretzel · 61-69, M

@DisarrayedNightshade who knows why people reach out after all those years

he might be working on amends if he's in AA

he might want money

he might want absolution

seems like he has a good number to block :)

sorry for your pain

DisarrayedNightshade · 36-40, F

@Pretzel I literally thought the same exact thing!! What if he is an alcoholic and this is part of AA working on his amends. Or maybe he’s still an alcoholic and that’s the reason he reached out on Christmas, but was too drunk to reach out and tell me happy new year. I don’t know. I haven’t talked to or seen the man in over 20 years. So all I can do is beat myself up with assumptions. Which I’m trying not to do but it’s hard. Probably a trauma response from being abandoned and lied to my whole life. Thank you for commenting and reaching out. I really appreciate it.

IndianaJoes · M

Uh, Ya ditch him. What you said raises the freekazoid flag up. Hope I'm wrong but, yheez. It sounds like that he was a considerably worst dude than how my mom treated me and our family. This situation just smells like danger to me. ⚠️🛑🖐️👮

DisarrayedNightshade · 36-40, F

@IndianaJoes thank you

Montanaman · M

I have the same dilemma with my oldest Daughter. No contact for years. Last phone call was 2 years ago with her calling me to tell me my father had passed away 😢 💔 😔 🤗🙏😇

DisarrayedNightshade · 36-40, F

@Montanaman family is a really difficult one to deal with. It would be a lot easier if we could pick and choose who our family was. Sorry for your struggles with your family issues 🫂

Montanaman · M

@DisarrayedNightshade Thank you. As I'm sorry for your struggles 😔 🤗🤗😇🙏

SandWitch · 26-30, F

Don't be surprised if he turns out to have an ulterior motive for getting in contact with you. He might be flat broke or he might need a place to live, but in either case he should be avoided like the plague.

If he was your biological father, both he and you would have a very hard time staying away from each other despite the family's dysfunction 20 years ago. Because he is not your biological father, there is absolutely no intrinsic energetic connection between the two of you, other than him being your mom's partner at the time which has nothing to do with you.

Nobody unrelated to you shows up out of the blue after 20 years unless they either want something from you, OR they want you to do something for them at your expense. Curiosity killed the cat. Don't play that game with him.

IndianaJoes · M

@SandWitch well, oh yeah for sure, I would definitely second this motion.

DisarrayedNightshade · 36-40, F

@SandWitch I appreciate your honesty and input. Thank you for reaching out and commenting. I’ve thought about all of this as well. One of the reasons I’m having such a hard time processing it and figuring out what to do. That’s why I reached out and put up a post on SW. Wanted to get some other opinions to see what outsiders thought of the situation. Thanks again 🙏

SandWitch · 26-30, F

@DisarrayedNightshade
Oh, you're welcome! I'd like to say that I'm just an inexperienced skeptic who hates men because my mother hates cats and women who don't look like her, but unfortunately I cannot use that purely speculative approach to paint all men with the same brush in coming up with my comments.

What I've written about came straight from my own playbook. Just because your case sounds uncomfortably familiar to me, doesn't mean we can use the same brush to paint men with!

All men are not the same, but all men whom are misogynists all have the same thing in common when it comes to their perception of women at all times, even if the women they are targeting are not their own children but are the biological children of the woman they married. A misogynist has no scruples!

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