Upset
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Having a hard time processing a difficult event that happened over Christmas.

Someone contacted me that I haven’t heard from in over 20 years. My mom‘s ex-husband. They got divorced when I was really young like 3 or 4 years old. No this is not my biological father. Allegedly, he was very abusive to my mother. One of the reasons why she left. For many years after the divorce it was the typical story of him saying that he will be there for birthdays and Christmases but never showed up. No phone call. Left me very traumatized along with having trust and abandonment issues. Now given my mom wasn’t perfect either. Had her own issues. Lied. Supposedly told her ex-husband that I was his but found out during a blood test that I wasn’t. My mom had lied to me for many years about her drug and alcohol abuse. Along with other things. Wasn’t really that good of a person. So I have my own trust issues around my mother as well. She died in 2017 from cancer. Fast forward to Christmas 2023. I get a phone call from her ex-husband. Says that he’s been wanting to contact me for years. Says that there are things that he’s wanted to tell me but hasn’t been able to. Said that my mother made it very difficult for him to see me. Kept me from him. Says that he doesn’t want to badmouth the dead, but there were things that happened that he thinks I need to know about. Wants to meet up and talk face-to-face. Told him if he wants to travel to meet up in my hometown that’s up to him. He says that he wants to be here for me now, and have a relationship with me. So New Year’s arrives. I thought maybe I’d hear Happy New Year’s from him. Nothing. Just like when I was a kid. Three days later no happy new year. Haven’t heard from him since Christmas. Just like when I was a kid. Why should I have any trust in anybody? Why should I have faith that someone is going to actually be there for me and not let me down? I have never had a positive person in my life that I can trust to be there for me. Everybody always lies to me and lets me down. I am seriously about ready just to block his number. It’s like you had your chance and you blew it. Why should I try to trust people when I just keep getting traumatized and hurt over and over again? Should I just block his ass? Or should I see if he contacts me and gives me some BS excuse on why I haven’t heard from him since Christmas? Idk what to do or think. But one thing I know for sure it is not my placed to contact him. If he wants this supposed relationship and to be here for me now then he needs to be the one to reach out, not me.
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Pretzel · 61-69, M
why on earth would he want to justify himself now after all these years?

wanted to reach out for years? must not have been so motivated.

and why does he want to crap on your mom now that she's not hear to defend herself.

let him clear his conscience some other way :)
DisarrayedNightshade · 36-40, F
@Pretzel the whole thing breaks my brain. I don’t know why he chose to contact me after this many years. I’m not even his biological kid. It’s confusing. It’s like why do you even care? Like why do you care to contact me if I’m not even your biological daughter? And I’m already having a lot of confusing emotions around my mom and our relationship as well. She lied to me and hurt me. I’m afraid that if I meet up with her ex that he’s going to tell me a bunch of stuff and then I won’t know who to believe. Because my mom won’t be here to defend herself. Did she really lie to him and tell him that I was his biological kid and found out through a blood test that I wasn’t? I don’t know, but I worry that I’m gonna be more confused and traumatized if I go and meet up with him.
Pretzel · 61-69, M
@DisarrayedNightshade who knows why people reach out after all those years

he might be working on amends if he's in AA

he might want money

he might want absolution

seems like he has a good number to block :)

sorry for your pain
DisarrayedNightshade · 36-40, F
@Pretzel I literally thought the same exact thing!! What if he is an alcoholic and this is part of AA working on his amends. Or maybe he’s still an alcoholic and that’s the reason he reached out on Christmas, but was too drunk to reach out and tell me happy new year. I don’t know. I haven’t talked to or seen the man in over 20 years. So all I can do is beat myself up with assumptions. Which I’m trying not to do but it’s hard. Probably a trauma response from being abandoned and lied to my whole life. Thank you for commenting and reaching out. I really appreciate it.