So my parents were raised by fathers who fought in WWII. Mom’s dad was a cavalry scout turned tank driver. Dad’s father was a B-17 pilot. They spent years in combat killing Germans. They came home and were expected to just assimilate back into society as if nothing ever happened. That isn’t possible. They watched their friends and fellow soldiers die every day. And they didn’t know if the day would be the day they would die. That’s a hard way to live when you’re 21-25 years old. My mom and dad have always said they were hard/bad parents to grow up with, but they were wonderful grandparents to me and my brothers. As mom and dad for older they realized that when they were young the affect the war took on them and why they were the way they were.

I say that to say I would imagine your parents may have been raised by Korea or Vietnam veterans. If I’m right I can lend some insight let me know. Millions of men went to fight, and didn’t come home right even though they were expected to be.

Boundaries don't make you selfish. It's actually perfectly OK to tell her that, while you appreciate how hard all that was, that you aren't a therapist. As often as she wants to talk about it, it's probably a good idea that she does see one. Then, at least, it's out in the open. And if she doesn't see one and keeps bringing it up, just gently suggest she talks to a professional about it.

No it doesn't make you selfish. She is allowed to complain but you're also allowed to tell her that you don't want to listen her complain nonstop, especially if she does nothing to fix whatever is that impacted her from him.

And you're right on the therapist part.

People are complex creatures.
You can hold on to your fond memories of him while understanding that he was also a flawed individual who hurt her. Both truths can coexist, and it's okay for you to want her to acknowledge that complexity without dwelling on the negative continually. Healing involves facing the truth, not ignoring it.

If I may ask, how did she treat you? My Mom goes on about how bad my Pappy was to her, but she was abusive to me as well. I'm not sure if she's just telling stories and doesn't realize how bad she was toward me or if she's trying to tell me that it could have been worse. It's funny that she remembers everything that was done to her, but when I confront her about things she did to me - she has no memory of it.

People change and mellow as they age. Could your grandpa have been going through something that he took out on her? Her pain is true and you ought to be sympathetic to her, but I wouldn't let it change your memories of him. If you were to learn he did something that you consider unforgiveable, then that might be different.

I don't think it makes you selfish.
You don't want to be in the middle of somebody else's bad memories.
You can't feel the same as your mom does as you did not have the same relationship.
The most you can say is I'm sorry that you went through that and I think it would help you so much to talk to a therapist.

People can have different experiences with the same person maybe she resents how kind he was to you as well so she keeps on about it out of spite and hate and resentment towards him to how she felt about how she says he treated her differently .. she’s bitter idk if she is or isn't entitled .. sometimes people twist and exaggerate stories sometimes they don't but he’s already gone right? So what she’s doing is unkind to you. 😒

you’re not selfish at all. i get really annoyed with my mom when she brings up stuff with my dad to me. it’s like opening a door to the past all the time. every person in your life sees a different version of you, this applies to every person ever. i don’t think it’s unfair to not wanna keep opening that door. you’re not her therapist

Does not make you selfish at all. My dad treated my kids way better than me, I understand both sides.

I don’t think it’s selfish, it sounds sensible to me. She should seek therapy, just ranting about it doesn’t help anyone, and it gets irritating.

it's not selfish to not want to hear bad things about someone that treated you badly.

maybe you can just imagine that she's talking about a stranger to you - because you really never saw that person that she's describing.

You had good memories and you should always remember him that way.

Makes you human. Have you spoken with her about it?

People have different sides we don’t always see

People are different at times in their lives

No, that only makes you 'special', but only in the eyes of your grandpa.

Being perceived as 'special' by a relative is nothing but poison. You become the "special one" as everyone else takes a backseat to your specialness and you will live to regret what the others had to listen to in your childhood.

That is why you're having a hard time figuring out what everyone else is talking about when they mention your grandpa, because you had a very different but totally poisoned relationship with him compared to the others.

No you’re not selfish at all charity!

Rehashing old troubles without seeking a solution would be wearying...