Intelligence and predictability.

More than a decade ago, my older brother said that people often prefer predictability over intelligence, especially in women, and that I was psychologically impenetrable, so impossible to know or love.

He said this after I criticized his choice in partnerships. I told him I had recognized a pattern, he gravitated toward seemingly shallow obedient uneducated women, and that this was predatory.

I also told him that if he continued, he would eventually be the one consumed by it, the victim of his own insecurities. He underestimated the damage ignorance paired with selfishness can cause. One doesn't have to be intelligent or powerful to be capable of abuse.

Years passed. Things changed. We grew older and closer. We stopped clashing so often.

Today, my younger brother said in our group chat he could never date someone he thought was stupid. He needs depth.

It unexpectedly reopened that old conversation. This time, my older brother admitted he had been wrong. And I admitted that while I was right, I had been right too early. And he was right about the fact that society prefers predictability over anything of complexity.

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JustNik · 51-55, F

My oldest has struggled with that in every relationship she’s had. Her intelligence and level head intimidate people even though she’s not arrogant and is open about her own struggles and shortcomings. The difference with her current partner is that he’s willing to look at himself and see where his actions are coming from and work to improve them. If self-reflection was prioritized as a life skill, there would be less insecurity.

ViciDraco · 41-45, M

I've always found it strange how little intelligence was valued in partner selection. I'm wondering if the stress and complexity of life causes those people to pursue something they feel is more secure and controllable because they lack the psychological bandwidth because of everything else or if they would make the same choices even if they were able to lead simpler lives overall or if the need for control is cultural conditioning. @Younameit mentioned conservative men in her post, and they are definitely the type to most likely be 'captured' by the cultural conditioning.

As a US man of European descent, it's hard to imagine life outside of the patriarchy even though I'm against having a patriarchy because it is basically my entire history and the water I still live in today. Even if we've made progress in being less patriarchal today than yesterday, we're still pretty deep in it with a long way to go. Aside from a lot of the advantages it grants to men for just being men, it also defines expectations and outlooks we are supposed to have to be "normal". Being "the king of castle" is one of those expectations put upon us. And intelligent and assertive women definitely break attempts to build the illusion of meeting that expectation.

So I guess there are a lot of factors that make such choices predominant. I've always developed my crushes on women I thought were more intelligent, but I'm not very traditionally minded. Though I have also lacked the confidence to pursue people so my own preferences are hidden when someone looks around and tries to make observational assessments.

Miram · 31-35, F

@ViciDraco

I personally think it exists across genders. For instance when men’s complexity appears as indecision, emotional volatility, moral uncertainty, or lack of trajectory, it is read as risk. Women, navigating real asymmetries in physical, economic, and social safety, often cannot afford to romanticize instability, and yes, it is strongly related to hierarchies of power, and whether or not complexity can translate usefulness, the latter means much of it is related to our own nature.

What women do to exceptionally intelligent men mirrors what men do to exceptionally intelligent women, but under different stakes. Both are filtering out complexity that threatens the roles they’ve been conditioned to survive within.

And all of this isn't exclusive to dating or gender roles. Women do this to women..men do this to men..etc

It isn't entirely symmertrical but it is pretty much reciprocal and crosses to other forms of relationships.

ViciDraco · 41-45, M

@Miram I have definitely seen it play out in women and others exactly as you have stated. I've noticed a strong trend of women valuing confidence above all else. Intelligent people are more aware of risk and quantify it more which gives an appearance of less confidence. It's also easy for a guy to show confidence when he doesn't actually care about how his actions impact others. So a lot of guys that are either too unintelligent to understand risk or too narcissistic to care tend to be overrepresented in the "confident men" pool that are viewed as most attractive. At least when it comes to the first impressions.

gwendolyndecymru · 18-21, F

Very interesting consideration this, thank you. It's in line with my own experience that usually intelligent men start to appreciate intelligence in other women only when they have matured some, got over their own insecurities and no longer need to feel superior to their partner. Makes me wonder what kind of a woman your older brother ended up with, if he did at all.

Miram · 31-35, F

@gwendolyndecymru

He chose his aloneness, but not just because of his unfortunate dating experiences. We grew up in the war and in an unconventional environment. That too had implications on his relationships. And there is also the nature of his profession which doesn't really allow him long-term stability.

gwendolyndecymru · 18-21, F

@Miram Thanks for replying. Aloneness can definitely have its advantages, I hope he is happy with that choice, even though the circumstances have been of so much influence.

Younameit · F

A lot of men prefer the “ dumb “ type cause they’re easier to control and manipulate according fo them. Some men like to feel superior intellectually , so they don’t like intelligent women cause it’s harder to impress them or even fool them. That has been a big issue for me in all my relationships. I have always had to be the one who listens and rarely could express myself and my thoughts simply because it hurt mens egos. Not all men are like that though, mostly the narcissistic types… and conservative men from my experience.

Miram · 31-35, F

@Younameit

Not only do I think it is the norm globally, I also think it is a social problem not just gender-based. Both men and women seem to be intimidated by complexity. Complexity is taxing and forces people to reflect and look unto their own depth, and face their own potential. And the cost isn't something everyone is content to pay.

Magenta · F

@Younameit I believe so too, but it's mostly a certain type (emotionally immature) and defo tied to ego.

FrugalNoodle · 46-50, M

I never have deep conversations like that, .... must be nice .....;)

Miram · 31-35, F

@FrugalNoodle The deepest of conversations are the ones we dare have with ourselves.

FrugalNoodle · 46-50, M

@Miram You're awesome 🤗

Miram · 31-35, F

@FrugalNoodle Sometimes, my friend

Gangstress · 41-45, F

Its easier for them when when are subservient.
Mad world.
Bring on unpredictability tbh and challenges because how do we learn or grow

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