Intelligence and predictability.

More than a decade ago, my older brother said that people often prefer predictability over intelligence, especially in women, and that I was psychologically impenetrable, so impossible to know or love.

He said this after I criticized his choice in partnerships. I told him I had recognized a pattern, he gravitated toward seemingly shallow obedient uneducated women, and that this was predatory.

I also told him that if he continued, he would eventually be the one consumed by it, the victim of his own insecurities. He underestimated the damage ignorance paired with selfishness can cause. One doesn't have to be intelligent or powerful to be capable of abuse.

Years passed. Things changed. We grew older and closer. We stopped clashing so often.

Today, my younger brother said in our group chat he could never date someone he thought was stupid. He needs depth.

It unexpectedly reopened that old conversation. This time, my older brother admitted he had been wrong. And I admitted that while I was right, I had been right too early. And he was right about the fact that society prefers predictability over anything of complexity.

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ViciDraco · 41-45, M

I've always found it strange how little intelligence was valued in partner selection. I'm wondering if the stress and complexity of life causes those people to pursue something they feel is more secure and controllable because they lack the psychological bandwidth because of everything else or if they would make the same choices even if they were able to lead simpler lives overall or if the need for control is cultural conditioning. @Younameit mentioned conservative men in her post, and they are definitely the type to most likely be 'captured' by the cultural conditioning.

As a US man of European descent, it's hard to imagine life outside of the patriarchy even though I'm against having a patriarchy because it is basically my entire history and the water I still live in today. Even if we've made progress in being less patriarchal today than yesterday, we're still pretty deep in it with a long way to go. Aside from a lot of the advantages it grants to men for just being men, it also defines expectations and outlooks we are supposed to have to be "normal". Being "the king of castle" is one of those expectations put upon us. And intelligent and assertive women definitely break attempts to build the illusion of meeting that expectation.

So I guess there are a lot of factors that make such choices predominant. I've always developed my crushes on women I thought were more intelligent, but I'm not very traditionally minded. Though I have also lacked the confidence to pursue people so my own preferences are hidden when someone looks around and tries to make observational assessments.

Miram · 31-35, F

@ViciDraco

I personally think it exists across genders. For instance when men’s complexity appears as indecision, emotional volatility, moral uncertainty, or lack of trajectory, it is read as risk. Women, navigating real asymmetries in physical, economic, and social safety, often cannot afford to romanticize instability, and yes, it is strongly related to hierarchies of power, and whether or not complexity can translate usefulness, the latter means much of it is related to our own nature.

What women do to exceptionally intelligent men mirrors what men do to exceptionally intelligent women, but under different stakes. Both are filtering out complexity that threatens the roles they’ve been conditioned to survive within.

And all of this isn't exclusive to dating or gender roles. Women do this to women..men do this to men..etc

It isn't entirely symmertrical but it is pretty much reciprocal and crosses to other forms of relationships.

ViciDraco · 41-45, M

@Miram I have definitely seen it play out in women and others exactly as you have stated. I've noticed a strong trend of women valuing confidence above all else. Intelligent people are more aware of risk and quantify it more which gives an appearance of less confidence. It's also easy for a guy to show confidence when he doesn't actually care about how his actions impact others. So a lot of guys that are either too unintelligent to understand risk or too narcissistic to care tend to be overrepresented in the "confident men" pool that are viewed as most attractive. At least when it comes to the first impressions.