Helpless and scared

My dad might pass in hospice any day. I'm really struggling to accept it. It's been only one month since diagnosed aggressive cancer. And I've felt such an injustice that he could not get any treatment or chemo. They said it would have killed him sooner because he's so compromised as it is.

Life can be wonderful and magical. Yes. I'm very grateful. But then it makes you MAD because some things are just so unjust or unfair. I wish I could accept this experience he's going through 🙁And having PTSD already I don't know how high my anxiety will be when he leaves 🥺

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LaLumieri · 51-55, F

I'm so very sorry to hear that you and your family are going through this.

I went through the exact same thing with my dad 10 years ago. Same situation where he was diagnosed very late. There were some things they had offered him but he felt that they would contribute to him leaving much sooner than if he tried to wait it out.

As a daughter it was heartbreaking and I wanted to cry everyday but I didn't. I think the best thing that we did in our situation was just go through the days find the joys the little joys the moments of peace and the little moments of tenderness.

My sister and I did not cry in front of my father we didn't ask questions we left that to my mom and the doctors.

It was better that he didn't see our sadness. We tried to do the best that we could for him. We spent time at the hospital making him as comfortable as possible doing the little things making sure his lips didn't go dry his eyes and skin and whatever we could make him comfortable with we did of course with the doctors instructions.

At a certain point a decision was made to give him some medication to kind of help him through.
But I want you to listen to me.... Please
Even when you think he might be out of it with medication or a little spacey and he's non-communicative.... Trust me he's listening He's there he can still squeeze your hand hopefully there are those little things like I said.

As I'm writing this my heart is breaking for you . Please remember that he can hear you even when it seems like he's out of it. Tell funny stories just keep talking I tried not to get to sentimental I didn't want him worrying or feeling any pain or sadness I wanted him to know that we would be okay.

There's one more thing I would like to tell you. I work in the medical field ...
I know the situation can be exhausting, emotionally draining and devastating.

Please listen to my next words..... And remember them in the moment.... And this is for anyone who reads this and is going through something similar.. Please heed my words......
If you are there as that moment is happening... Remember they can still hear you and the body can still hear even up to 30 minutes after....
While I know that everyone handles things in their own way, and by no means am I trying to tell you how to do anything.....
I'm just letting you know the things that I learned.
I remember making the decision not to let him see me in sadness as the last thing he saw. I tried to be very brave and did not shed a tear. I held on with kindness and love and peace and spoke softly.... I spoke quietly to him until that time had passed that I knew the body could not hear anymore. My mother was going crazy everyone else was screaming and fainting and crying. . . I made the decision to just sit with him and speak softly and reassuring the things will be okay and then I'd be looking for signs from him from above.....

I don't know if any of this will help...
And as a daughter who's lost a father.... I know there is nothing that can ease that pain not even after 10 years for me. But knowing in that moment that I didn't let his last look of me be with sadness and panic that I spoke to him gently and bravely.... Even after he had closed his eyes..... It has been a great comfort.

Brace yourself.... You can do this....
Reach out anytime to me if you need to My thoughts and prayers are with you. Be brave and strong just as I'm sure he is.

Baybreeze · 41-45, F

@LaLumieri Thank you for sharing your experience. I'm so sorry about your dad😢 He was grateful to have a loving daughter near him. I still talk to him yes, and we turn on the tv low sometimes. He's no longer really speaking clearly. Hell murmur something but we can't understand. It's so heartbreaking.
I wish his roommate turned his TV down. It's a bit too loud, there's always shooting scenes on Westerns. But I figure maybe he's in a deep sleep and isn't hearing it most of the day. I just wish it was a bit quieter for him.
I am calm as well in front of my dad but I do say I'm sorry of all your going through, I know it's difficult. And he'll make a small noise like in agreement. The other day when still talking, he said, I hate this..that crushed me.
I just hope I don't get off the chart anxiety when he passes, out of fear that it's permanent that he's not here. But do I know HE is not here, no. I'm not religious but I do believe we have a spirit that endures after.
Thank you Truly for all your kindness 🌺

LaLumieri · 51-55, F

@Baybreeze It seems like you have everything under control. I know it's difficult and even when he's being non-communicative or difficult to understand I think that you know him enough to understand him and if you really listen you can get what he's saying or trying to say.
I had to do that with my father when he was slurring his words on medication or confusing them and even now with my ex-father-in-law whose dementia makes his vocabulary crazy.
I just really have to read between the lines and I'm sure you know and understand what he's talking about.
You going to be okay I promise you I'm not going to lie it's not easy and I don't think it ever really goes away fully but I have found the being amongst people who knew my dad or were there for those joyful times of laughter and smiles being in the company of those people helps a lot remembering and laughing.
Rather than thinking about the other things.
I'm sorry about my long messages I just never know really how to express myself here and I was getting very emotional writing this so I'm sorry about the message but I just wanted to let you know about what I did because in the long run I know that I did everything that I could and in those moments I just made sure for both of us.... It was a peaceful transition with reassurance for both of us. I wish you and your family peace and love during this difficult time and Please message anytime there might be days when you feel you want to tell the whole world about your dad trust me I've been there... And I'd be happy to listen. You're a good daughter

Baybreeze · 41-45, F

@LaLumieri Thank you. I'm grappling with how after he passes I might get high anxiety and guilt about the times I could have visited last year but did not. Partly it was Bec sometimes the visit was stressful with him barking at me but most of our visits were good. The other part was my car doesn't run great and I didn't have extra gas money. But I still feel bad. 😞 I guess I did make up for it but visiting him now everyday night and day. Yet my guilt still tugs at me.
Ty again so much for your kindness 🌺