How do you wrap your mind around...

To your parent slowly dying of an aggressive disease?

My dads been diagnosed two weeks ago with aggressive Non Hodgkin's Lymphoma. He "may" still be able to get low dose chemotherapy, we are getting a second opinion, but his current doctor has said he's too compromised to receive it. That it could kill him before he even just passed naturally.
It's all so sudden, to realize that within a short time my dad could die. We were not too close, as he defended my psychotic awful mothers abuse for MANY years.
But, at least we could occasionally laugh, and we used to binge Vikings, The Sopranos and a few other shows.
I'm just so sad, because I wish I could understand why people get horrible deadly diseases. It's just not right in my mind and sadness doesn't quite encompass it
I feel mad and also helpless. But very sad that his body is being ravaged daily, with no actual treatment.
I wish this was a dream. I'm trying though to watch TV with him still, or laugh when possible.
I do love my dad and I don't want him to go😟

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Levenrack · 46-50, M

That is all on, how empathetic you are towards everyone's well-being... yours included.
I know you carry an emotional burden your mother has so unlovingly gifted upon you, and that will cause issues when all you'd hope and love to do is show and give emotional support to everyone involved.
So I will impart this onto you.... only put yourself out there, if they are gracefully deserving of such.
If you truly love your dad and not for the fact that you're just supposed to. When the time does come, that can lead to a better closure for you and him.

Coralmist · 41-45, F

@Levenrack Thank you for your thoughtful response. 🌸 My sister is very mad at him still, our lives were drastically made small and corrosive from severe abuse. He did watch it a lot and said NOTHING ..even laughed when I cried twice. But because of his state, I'm trying to look past it and I do remember some fun times and when we went out to dinner years ago. My sister said, he wouldn't be visiting us this much or barely care if we were in the hospital. While it may be true, I want to just think of his good side at such a sad time. He still asked how my car is just the other day😢Ty again for your words🪻

Levenrack · 46-50, M

@Coralmist Well you definitely have a more forgiving heart, than I.

Unilaterally forgiving to smooth things over for the other possible included parties.... definitely not in my emotional wheelhouse at this time, and most likely never will be.

Unfortunately, the state of my relationship with my father has suffered from the guilt by association, he wasn't aparty to it, but he also never objected to it.

Though slightly misguided it may seem to me, I hope you find peace. 🙏 Good Luck. 😊