I can't talk to anyone

When it comes to my eating disorder I can't really talk to anyone because they just don't understand.

I was anorexic/bulimic between the ages of 16 and 30, but even now at age 40, the old anxieties that surround food and my weight are there. This morning I had a full on anxiety attack after I weighed myself.

I'm at my heaviest weight ever right now, so I struggle with that. I have had to stop wearing most of my clothing because it just feels too snug now. I'm down to 2 outfits that still fit me comfortably. It's fucking depressing.

I hate the way I look. I hate the way I feel. I hate where my life is right now. I hate how helpless I feel because I am unable to get me and my fiance out of our current situation. Everyone I know has let me down or betrayed me. I just want to cut all ties with everyone and fucking disappear.

I tried to talk about my anxiety with my fiance but he just doesn't get it, and he offers absolutely nothing in response. Not a word. He thinks he's being supportive by just letting me talk while he stays silent, but I need feedback, reassurance, a nurturing spirit. 😓