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Can I get some male perspective please?

As a man, when you are dating. Is it essential for you to set the tone of the relationship?
Is it imperative that if you invite a woman into your home and when she invites you into hers, you put things in place to assert your dominance or position?

Is it essential for you to make full use of her attempts to please and accommodate you, so that she thinks only of your needs and very little of her own?

Is this what is done until the hierarchy is established?
Or is this just a certain type of man behaviour?
somedude15 · 26-30, M
Well for me setting the tone doesn't mean all those things, it just means being very upfront about what I can't and can't do, my desires/expectations and all that from the start. But yeah all this talk of hierarchy is kinda weird lol I think things will just naturally fall in place
Shytoshow · 56-60, M
@Mellowgirl Fucking idiot
Eddiesolds · 61-69, M
@Mellowgirl Gosh what a loser.
Wallflow3r · 26-30, F
@Mellowgirl RUN!!
kayoshin · 41-45, M
Those things sound so wildly specific you should already know the answer. It should be somewhat hard to find 2 men that take that exact pattern, let alone assume all do.
As a person I find essential to establish what I expect from a relationship since it makes no sense to me to lie then slowly reveal what I really want and find out that we want different things that's a waste of both our times. That doesn't mean I set the tone it means I put my cards on the table you put yours and we see if it's a match or we should call it quits before the drama.
Would I sooner or later invite her to my home? Yes, that's usually how you get to the intimate part of the relationship.
Would I want to invade her home with my things? No, I like my things in reach. However if she's making me spend a lot of time there I do need the basics I'm not gonna do a no teeth brushed messy hair walk every time I sleep over. If you expect a man or woman to have "sleepovers" but you also expect them to not have a personal drawer and bathroom space, then you're treating them like a one night stand not like someone in a relationship, to me that would be a red flag.

So about accomodation that is a you thing not the other person's problem. If you use people pleasing and forget about your needs to attract people into a relationship, it's your choice and don't be surprised if they expect you to keep that up forever. It's your job to assert your needs and your job to decide when they are not met. If you skip asserting your needs while only tending his/hers then it's only natural that they assume you only live to serve them. So be both a people pleaser and ask to be pleased. Give a favour - ask a favour, see what they're ready to invest early on.
Don't think in terms of hierarchy or you'll always get paranoid about who's in charge and misinterpret simple things as dominance moves. Instead just see if you are happy and remember that
1. Not all men share 1 brain.
2. Most of us don't care who's in charge as long as we're in good company.
3. Most men are just as afraid as you are of being dominated in a relationship, that doesn't mean they want to be in charge, they simply are afraid of being pushed around. So if you start acting paranoid about a hierarchy and always trying to prove he's not the boss of you, you'll just trigger his fear and he'll one up you to show you're not the boss of him... Loop of relationship death.
Mellowgirl · 31-35, F
@kayoshin so to clarify I don't try to dominate anyone.
I urge you read other responses.
I also don't try to get a hierarchical structure going in my home.
I like peace and balance.
Hence why I'm asking about it since that's what he seems to be doing by trying to make all my focus on him and ignore my own needs. Whats worse is he will offer to do something to help but only do it in part...
kayoshin · 41-45, M
@Mellowgirl and I urge you to reread, I didn't say you try to set up a hierarchy but that acting in a way that is defensive about this can set off just the opposite reaction.
Also you asked a question about ALL MEN yet you compare the answers you receive with just one particular case and dismiss other men's views... So if you just wanted to see why that guy acts like he does and not actual diverse answers, why not just confront him?
Read other answers to do what, give you an uniform response and some pat on the back and assure you you are the victim and do no wrong? It's not how it works. You asked a GENERAL question so I have no reason to investigate your particular case, I answered with general reasoning. If you felt identified with the answer it's your call. Not mine.

You do realise that when you ask a generalized question the "you" is not someone specific but anyone that sees themselves in that context.
Oh if I was single I'd totally go out with a man like this just for me to laugh at him all night.
Vaper · 36-40, M
Being a man has nothing to do with an ascertained position of dominance a beard nor the tone of ones voice for that matter. All that macho bs is sequestered by those whom fear the truth in lught of their masculinities suffering doubt.

Your question begins with " as a man...". In seeking affirmations in support of your male callers actions, I suggest swaping man for boy.
SoLeRiMix · 31-35, M
Well, everything has to be as per mutual agreement. Easiest way to avoid confusions, issues and problems later is discuss things before deciding to be in relationship and live together. More you discuss, better it is for both. Simple!🙂
WhateverWorks · 36-40
I’m not a guy, but it’s definitely not how my man went about things.😬 he’s not the submissive type, but the above description just sounds like a selfish douche.
JestAJester · 31-35, M
I dunno how it is for most guys. Ive never really been the dominant, alpha male type. Guess i treat them more like family. Treat my home like your home. Im going to accomodate you, make you feel comfortable and special. I want you to enjoy my company. But also i dont have much experience dating, so that dominant side of me never really came to light, didnt date anyone long enough for it to. But dont mistake the courtesy and laid back attitude for weakness.
As a man, when you are dating. Is it essential for you to set the tone of the relationship?

Seriously....NO!

It has been a long time since I have "dated". But as I tell my single friends (when they ask for my secrets....), .....dating is a compatibility check. As in are you compatible, do you have mutual interests and so forth.

What you have described here is a "control freak". Not an equal and certainly not compatible.
Northwest · M
If you're asking for a friend, then your friend has a control freak, or a narcissist on her hands. If she appreciates her sanity, independence and generally-speaking, seeks out a healthy relationship, she should get the hell out of the relationship.
Gangstress · 41-45, F
Im kinda glad same sex relationships don't often have this. All relationships are just that and not a dictator. With relationships comes understanding, sacrifice and support.
Shytoshow · 56-60, M
Answer all those questions no have mother&sister treat women as i want them treated with decency &respect
uncalled4 · 56-60, M
That whole thing sounds contrived and weird, almost territorial. I can only speak for myself, but I wouldn't be happy if I were holding down my mate. The delicate power balance ought to be shared and maintained. That said, I see plenty of situations where the guy is treated like an ATM with a d**k and is valued solely for what he provides; his needs, if they are even considered, are laughed at.

Bottom line? There's plenty of users out there. Avoid.
Mellowgirl · 31-35, F
@uncalled4 who knows... He is a special needs teacher.
I started to feel like his student rather than his partner.

He blocked me for not responding instantly to his request to meet...
Ah well.
uncalled4 · 56-60, M
@Mellowgirl he's got impulse control issues. That's not a good look for a teacher.
Mellowgirl · 31-35, F
@uncalled4 thank you
WandererTony · 56-60, M
Its a crude behavior. Its a domination game. Should be nipped in the bud. No pun intended.
Elisbch · M
No, to all your questions. I prefer things to fall into place more equally and naturally.
yeronlyman · 51-55, M
Confused what exactly are you asking?
Eddiesolds · 61-69, M
I have fun on my dates. She does also. Good enough.
DownTheStreet · 56-60, M
I don’t recognize any of that
Catzgano · 31-35, F
They should not
🤦‍♂️
DDonde · 31-35, M
I don't think about those kind of things at all.
Mellowgirl · 31-35, F
@DDonde so you're an exception?
DDonde · 31-35, M
@Mellowgirl I don't know
WandererTony · 56-60, M
@Mellowgirl no, he isnt!
ViciDraco · 36-40, M
There are some men like that. They tend to be narcissists or have insecurity issues or are infected with alpha male syndrome. He's trash and probably the kind to stay physical abuse when he thinks he has a woman dependent enough.
Justenjoyit · 61-69, M
I just try to be nice and polite, if I think its not going to work for me then I just leave it, if there is something there then I just try to work together I am not into demanding anything.
candycane · 31-35, F
Ain't no man going to be dominant in my home

 
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