I Have Anxiety

Taxes. Just the word gives me a panic attack. For no particular reason. I've been self-employed for 4 years and by now I know the drill: go through my bank account online, gather all the income and expense numbers, give it all nicely organized to my accountant and she'll figure it out. What's so hard about that?

Dealing with government, government forms, gives me panic attacks. Having to deal with a faceless behemoth that doesn't know and doesn't care who I really am. I'm just a number, a calculation, and I can easily get squished by a giant step if some faceless bureaucrat decides "to disagree" with whatever me or my accountant states. I can't afford a lawyer. I can't afford counseling. So my destiny, my life, my finances are ultimately in the hands of some heartless entity. I guess that's essentially it.

Comes February every year, I start to dread Tax time... "I better do it sooner and later and get over it". Sure... Comes March, comes April... Every day I have a jolt of panic when it crosses my mind that I'm running out of time, that I have do do the work. That I have to look at how much money I made last year. If it's too little I'll despair at how much money I made (what a loser), if it's too much I'll despair at all the extra taxes I'll have to pay and I can ill afford... (I know, I should reverse my logic and look at the "bright side"... but I just don't...)

This morning I had a "let's do this" moment. Yes. Let's get over it. I could face looking at the "TAX" folder. I opened the 2018 tax numbers with all the cells and calculations I need. "Save as" 2019 taxes. All I had to do was getting the numbers and fill the cells.

And that was about it. I felt dizzy, I felt nausea. Can't do this yet.

But I'm getting there, I hope...

😑