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I Lost Myself Somewhere Along the Way

Remembering... The worst thing about losing something is you remember what it was like when you still had it. If you never had it to begin with, it would be more bearable. Every now and then i "wake up", not for very long, but sometimes a few weeks. I look at myself and fail to remember how this happened. I thought I knew who I was, now I disgust myself. I have turned into the one thing I've always hated the most and I don't have the will to stop it. That is always the problem, isn't it? You sit and watch your liife crumble around you but lack the will to stop it. That is what depression does. It drains you of all will.

I remembered again the other day. I was the most strong and independent person. I despised weakness and was also very vocal about it. Now I have turned into the very thing I hate. Can I get back what I lost? Or am I doomed to sit and watch it further deteriorate.

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tzadik

Your stature has simply decreased relative to others. And, for some reason, you can no longer rely on your so-called "independence" as a source of energy and strength. What complicates the matter appears to be your warped and overtly ethical sense of self. If you were a parasite, you'd simply find a new host.

Lullacus · 31-35, F

I did :-) but it didn't work out. So I'm back to old ways.

tzadik

Have you confronted yourself on this issue--that is to say, asked yourself whether this is cyclical? (There's no need to answer the question, just consider how or in which way this turn of events may be recurring.)

Lullacus · 31-35, F

I have. And yes, its very much cyclical.

tzadik

Using uncommon lingo, relationships necessarily lead us into a cycle of subjugation, which becomes our very own encounter with what Hegel termed the master-slave dialectic. But once the inertia known as boredom kicks in, we immediately begin resisting the stability surrounding us, as if stability itself were a burden. Soon enough, we will begin repeating old behaviors, perhaps to revisit and follow through on the various fantasies and irruptions that were previously never explored. That way, a new set of challenges are thrown at us, resulting in a vicious cycle which ultimately determines whether we develop or stagnate. Of course there is no way out of the cycle itself, but anytime the question "Have I been here before?" is answered in the affirmative, one is most certainly stagnating. Looking back at one's own life as a graveyard of personal history, a certain pattern emerges. I often burn all bridges and start anew, moving halfway across the globe and then building on the few things that generate excitement and power. So--out of curiosity--what is it you do when stagnation hits? What's your approach?

Lullacus · 31-35, F

Wow, that was a brilliant description. You are very wise. I run too. I have not been able to live in the same place for more than a few months since. I grow restless. I completely uprooted my life and moved to the coast by myself two months ago. I am already weary of this place. Probably gonna leave the country next :-)

tzadik

There is a heavy price to pay for anyone who abandons conformity and stagnation. But that does not include the slow death of mediocrity and disengaged inclusion. I say go for it.

Lullacus · 31-35, F

That's what I figured. Thanks.