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I Lost Myself Somewhere Along the Way

Remembering... The worst thing about losing something is you remember what it was like when you still had it. If you never had it to begin with, it would be more bearable. Every now and then i "wake up", not for very long, but sometimes a few weeks. I look at myself and fail to remember how this happened. I thought I knew who I was, now I disgust myself. I have turned into the one thing I've always hated the most and I don't have the will to stop it. That is always the problem, isn't it? You sit and watch your liife crumble around you but lack the will to stop it. That is what depression does. It drains you of all will.

I remembered again the other day. I was the most strong and independent person. I despised weakness and was also very vocal about it. Now I have turned into the very thing I hate. Can I get back what I lost? Or am I doomed to sit and watch it further deteriorate.

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tzadik

Your stature has simply decreased relative to others. And, for some reason, you can no longer rely on your so-called "independence" as a source of energy and strength. What complicates the matter appears to be your warped and overtly ethical sense of self. If you were a parasite, you'd simply find a new host.

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Lullacus · 31-35, F

Wow, that was a brilliant description. You are very wise. I run too. I have not been able to live in the same place for more than a few months since. I grow restless. I completely uprooted my life and moved to the coast by myself two months ago. I am already weary of this place. Probably gonna leave the country next :-)

tzadik

There is a heavy price to pay for anyone who abandons conformity and stagnation. But that does not include the slow death of mediocrity and disengaged inclusion. I say go for it.

Lullacus · 31-35, F

That's what I figured. Thanks.

LostInTheLight

i love this....love the description. i dont know how to change it either though...time never helped me much, just made it more concrete. whats holding you captive? i know theres something..

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LostInTheLight

you said love was holding you back, what did you mean?

Lullacus · 31-35, F

I truly loved someone for the first time in my life. We were together and everything was awesome. We were happy, so we grew complacent. We lost our ambition to achieve anything more in life, for what else can we need but eachother? I gave up my dreams because I loved him and he made me happy. He did the same. I lost myself because I was too fixated on him. He did the same. You see the dillema?

Lullacus · 31-35, F

Because of this we both grew unhappy. We started to see that we were holding one another back and that in order to be free, we need to let each other go... And hope that we'll find such love and happiness as we had in eachother, somewhere else. We broke up 1 January. I have got myself, my strength and my will back... But I feel the loss of him everyday. Only time will tell if sacrificing all we had was worth it.

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