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I Can't Do This

Every year I think that it'll get better. Put the effort in to change and you'll be rewarded. Yet, it never does. It never changes. I always end up alone and with the saddest of realizations that I can't be around people because I'm jealous of how well they can just live. I see all of my friends sit and laugh and interact so genuinely and all I can do is parrot it. Which works on smaller scales but in a large group, I can't keep up. I can only sit there in the expanding hollow and ask, "what is so fundamentally wrong with me that I can't do this?"

This year started with my New Years date flirting and rubbing the crotch of some other guy right in front of me. As if I disappeared as soon as the other guy came into play. I did my best. I was talkative, happy, flirty and it didn't mean anything to the real thing. Trumped by someone genuine again. What kind of life is it when you can only connect with sad and broken people and when they get better and move on and become happy, you're just left back still sad and still broken.

There's no pill that can fix me. No doctor that can treat me. I can either spend the rest of my life sitting on the outside looking in at all of these people, wishing I could just connect like them. Or, I need to find a way to end it. I'm so tired of this. I wish I could just stop everything. People don't love parrots. They're entertained by them and then they move on.

I can't keep doing this. I can't keep running through these motions. There has to be a way out.
I need a way out.
I need peace.
I need....something.
Coralmist · 41-45, F
I saw some of your posts, and you are not ALONE. I have consstant negative images of myself, 'You aren't as confident as her', 'He'll find another gf'.. 'You're not that great at what you do.' It's actually a bully inside, and if you ever had trauma as a kid, it's often from THAT, it's not YOU. It's trying to scare you. The ego .. or 'self' that doesn't even exist, is trying to identify or grasp to anything, to compete, compare etc. I think its a major glitch in human brain :( I'm reading Byron Katie's 'A Mind at Home with Itself' right now, and it is so GOOD . Talks about how we all want to compare ourselves and really we all don't even HAVE a true self... it's all one, that's it. The world, the plants, animals, every 'thought' we've ever had (which are not truth.. even positive ones b/c they are simply 'naming' something) are ONE. If u can get it, it really has been helping me...her work is amazing.
bunnyXbunny · 36-40, M
@Coralmist Thank you for the recommendation.
SW-User
I don't think it's you. I think it's the crowd you hang with.
SW-User
@bunnyXbunny Do you have anxiety?
bunnyXbunny · 36-40, M
@SW-User Anxiety. Depression. Rage issues. I have the gambit.
SW-User
@bunnyXbunny Try taking a Motrin in the morning. It does good on calming nerves and hormones that strike anger. It's more than just a pain medicine.

 
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