I Can't Do This

Every year I think that it'll get better. Put the effort in to change and you'll be rewarded. Yet, it never does. It never changes. I always end up alone and with the saddest of realizations that I can't be around people because I'm jealous of how well they can just live. I see all of my friends sit and laugh and interact so genuinely and all I can do is parrot it. Which works on smaller scales but in a large group, I can't keep up. I can only sit there in the expanding hollow and ask, "what is so fundamentally wrong with me that I can't do this?"

This year started with my New Years date flirting and rubbing the crotch of some other guy right in front of me. As if I disappeared as soon as the other guy came into play. I did my best. I was talkative, happy, flirty and it didn't mean anything to the real thing. Trumped by someone genuine again. What kind of life is it when you can only connect with sad and broken people and when they get better and move on and become happy, you're just left back still sad and still broken.

There's no pill that can fix me. No doctor that can treat me. I can either spend the rest of my life sitting on the outside looking in at all of these people, wishing I could just connect like them. Or, I need to find a way to end it. I'm so tired of this. I wish I could just stop everything. People don't love parrots. They're entertained by them and then they move on.

I can't keep doing this. I can't keep running through these motions. There has to be a way out.
I need a way out.
I need peace.
I need....something.