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Is it right to talk to someone you once loved?

I had an argument with my partner last night and I thought it was done. It got me thinking about looking up people I used to have in my life.
I searched all manner of places for some people but I couldn't find them. But one I did find I text and they replied back. What's worse is that that person was my perfect match and we used to get on like a house on fire. The problem was that we were on different sides of the pond and she was living with someone when we talked.
Even so we spoke on video call 6 hrs a day for months. Then he found out and we stopped talking. Life eventually went on and 9 years passed. Now she does follow me on Insta but we didn't have any communication. But last night she did respond via another social media platform to me and I wonder if it is possible to rekindle something? Or is it just an impossible dream.
Maybe me going through an old laptop earlier in the week and seeing pictures of her started me thinking. All my current partner wanted me to do was get rid of pictures relating to my second marriage. Maybe it stirred something?
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RubySoo · 51-55, F
Is she single now?
MadchesterMan · 46-50, M
[@329653,RubySoo] I think option is a poor choice of words lol. For me there is very much unfinished business. All I can think about is starting something back up with her! I've known for a while I don't want to be in the relationship I'm in but leaving and going solo is scary as hell. I think it's the only reason I've not left.
RubySoo · 51-55, F
[@509821,MadchesterMan] going solo is scary...racing headlong into something new (or recycled as the case may be) is silly....and you know it.
I think maybe because its unfinished business and you never got to actually be with her before, you are hankering that lost chance. Ive been there. But sort out your current situation so you are free to exploy sonething new with your old flame, not try to grab back hold if what it once was. You are not the same people niw as you were then and you need to start afresh, not chance reheating something thats been in storage for so long. X
MadchesterMan · 46-50, M
[@329653,RubySoo] yeah my situation has to be resolved sooner rather than later. As my latest post shows. I can't win so maybe it's time to go. You are of course right about not doing something right now.
Picklebobble2 · 56-60, M
There are so many warning signs flashing loud and clear all through this idea.
But then I suspect you know that anyway.

In an ideal world we should be able to fondly remember and still talk to those from our past safe in the knowledge that we are temporarily leaving the reality of now for the warm haven that is our rose tinted view of the past.

But we all know that’s a lie.

So the question is, is your reality of now worth losing for the rose tinted view of the past that come the cold, harsh light of day, could see you in a position where you have neither a reality nor a rose tinted view of the past ?
MadchesterMan · 46-50, M
[@448576,Picklebobble2] the rose tinted view entailed me being totally in love with her. We shared all sorts of moments and talked constantly. Talking was easy with her, it's like I was more at ease with her than any woman I'd ever met and that goes for then and now. My problem was there was no easy way to make it happen, she had kids and so did I. At that moment I had no responsibility however that has now changed. So likelihood I could make something happen is very low.
My reality is screwed up because I live with a poor imitation of this exact woman. They share lots in common but there are very subtle differences that are a big issue with my current.
Lacemaker · 41-45, F
You don't make life simple for yourself, do you? Lol
MadchesterMan · 46-50, M
[@398195,Lacemaker] nope never have lol.
Becksta · 36-40
Dude... Stop it!!!

Look at your girlfriend and her past behaviours. She's not just going to wave "Goodbye" as you walk off into the sunset. You're going to be busy enough dealing with her for a while as it is, without adding another girl into the mix, who has the potential to be just as jealous and insecure as your current girlfriend.

Two women fighting over you isn't as hot as it first seems.

It's not the pictures of your second marriage that's the problem here... it's your current girlfriend. She's not handling the fact that you have your ex-wives very well - and her jealousy and insecurity is somewhat concerning.
MadchesterMan · 46-50, M
[@421598,Becksta] I know and I actually said to her I don't know if subconsciously there is unfinished business between us or not lol.

I've officially been living in the area for 10 months has as my son. She would never make us truly official which was extremely frustrating.
He's not got a report other than from an educational psychologist and a letter I've got about him being assessed on the pathway!

I have no bills in our names, she has absolutely everything. So that would be an issue.

I'm pretty sure my cons are longer than my pros. She's just informed me she's going on a pub crawl next Friday, so god knows what time or state she'll come back in. If it's typical of her past she'll tell me not to expect her to come home until the morning which I've told her I'd never accept. Seems to me there's a huge argument coming again.
Becksta · 36-40
[@509821,MadchesterMan] You do have the option of domestic abuse to fall back on, though. I know that you don't see what is happening as domestic abuse, but a lot of what you describe will meet the criteria and should be enough for you to access help as a man escaping a domestic abuse situation. It's worth keeping in mind as an option, just in case you do end up with your back against the wall late at night or something like that.

Keep those letters safe - you may need them if things don't go according to plan.

If her staying out all night is a pre-determined hard limit for you, don't get drawn into a fight with her over it... all you need to do is to state something along the lines of "You know how I feel about that and the consequences of your actions - now you have to live with the results of your decision". And stick to that.

Hard limits are lines that absolutely should not be crossed. If she can't respect you enough on this, then you need to stand up and say "No" as clearly as you can and action might be the only way to make her see that it's unacceptable to you.
MadchesterMan · 46-50, M
[@421598,Becksta] I really don't want to fall back onto domestic abuse. I just think she is a force of nature who doesn't understand just how much her way of living is not normal.

Well they're all to do with my son so they're things that I keep and will until not needed.

I won't get drawn into a fight because she knows that is a complete red line in my eyes. She knows if she does stay out all night it's well and truly done. Even she does say that of she's enjoying herself why should she come home.

If she did that I would definitely just move out without any hesitation.

 
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