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Is it right to talk to someone you once loved?

I had an argument with my partner last night and I thought it was done. It got me thinking about looking up people I used to have in my life.
I searched all manner of places for some people but I couldn't find them. But one I did find I text and they replied back. What's worse is that that person was my perfect match and we used to get on like a house on fire. The problem was that we were on different sides of the pond and she was living with someone when we talked.
Even so we spoke on video call 6 hrs a day for months. Then he found out and we stopped talking. Life eventually went on and 9 years passed. Now she does follow me on Insta but we didn't have any communication. But last night she did respond via another social media platform to me and I wonder if it is possible to rekindle something? Or is it just an impossible dream.
Maybe me going through an old laptop earlier in the week and seeing pictures of her started me thinking. All my current partner wanted me to do was get rid of pictures relating to my second marriage. Maybe it stirred something?

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HootyTheNightOwl

Dude... Stop it!!!

Look at your girlfriend and her past behaviours. She's not just going to wave "Goodbye" as you walk off into the sunset. You're going to be busy enough dealing with her for a while as it is, without adding another girl into the mix, who has the potential to be just as jealous and insecure as your current girlfriend.

Two women fighting over you isn't as hot as it first seems.

It's not the pictures of your second marriage that's the problem here... it's your current girlfriend. She's not handling the fact that you have your ex-wives very well - and her jealousy and insecurity is somewhat concerning.

VirginMatchmaker · 46-50, M

@HootyTheNightOwl Yeah I need to stop trying to talk to the other girl. But it's unfinished business.

My current gf is a nightmare at times and I'm fed up with her attitude towards me. I think we're just a bad match.

I completely agree two women fighting over a guy isn't great.

She can't deal with my baggage and I don't think she wants too. I think she wants me to fit into her world and not mine. Again there's no compromise from her. Her idea of compromise is giving me a roof over my head and letting me eat her food. It's ridiculous.

HootyTheNightOwl

@VirginMatchmaker She may well be "unfinished business" as you put it - but now is neither the time or the place in your life to be concluding said business.

Right now, you have more pressing matters to be dealing with than your next conquest.

One thing that doesn't seem to have changed for you recently is this instability that your girlfriend is creating. That needs something doing about it... it's not even a simple case of kicking a man out onto the streets because you have your son with you this time.

If you are able, and get the chance to do so, take the time to look up where to go in the event that she does kick you out. You'll need to present yourself as homeless somewhere local to remain in the area. You won't get a lot, but it'll at least be a bed until you can find your own place to rent locally.

VirginMatchmaker · 46-50, M

@HootyTheNightOwl I agree it's not the place or time. Tbh I don't think she's interested anyway because she has move on. Whether we talk again or not I do not know? I've told her my thoughts about talking to her again.

Next conquest sounds awful btw. I don't want her to be a conquest as I just want a happy meaningful relationship.

She wouldn't think twice about kicking us onto the streets. But I do know what you mean. There is massive instability and yet again it's coming to the fore. If I really did a pros and cons list I know which one would win.

I'd go to my parents and they'd probably set me up somewhere privately renting. I certainly wouldn't be homeless. The fact it's now the kids summer break would certainly help because it would give me time to plan where to live.

HootyTheNightOwl

@VirginMatchmaker To be fair, your "Unfinished business" comment didn't sound a whole lot better... 🤣

Another thing you have to be mindful of is this "Local connection" business. If you haven't been living where you are for 5 years, it's going to be harder to use just your son's educational needs as a basis to stay there in the event of your relationship failing - unless you still have a written copy of his SEN assessment and you can show a potential new school how much he benefited academically from having his current assessment needs met.

You may need to demonstrate to them that you moved there with the intention of making a permanent home with your girlfriend... so be sure to squirrel away evidence of as many bills in your name or joint names as possible (photographs will do if getting copies is too difficult).

If you're at the point where your list of cons is longer than your list of pros, then you know that you need to be looking at what you are going to do from here... staying there is no longer viable at that point, unless you are trapped there, like I am.

VirginMatchmaker · 46-50, M

@HootyTheNightOwl I know and I actually said to her I don't know if subconsciously there is unfinished business between us or not lol.

I've officially been living in the area for 10 months has as my son. She would never make us truly official which was extremely frustrating.
He's not got a report other than from an educational psychologist and a letter I've got about him being assessed on the pathway!

I have no bills in our names, she has absolutely everything. So that would be an issue.

I'm pretty sure my cons are longer than my pros. She's just informed me she's going on a pub crawl next Friday, so god knows what time or state she'll come back in. If it's typical of her past she'll tell me not to expect her to come home until the morning which I've told her I'd never accept. Seems to me there's a huge argument coming again.

HootyTheNightOwl

@VirginMatchmaker You do have the option of domestic abuse to fall back on, though. I know that you don't see what is happening as domestic abuse, but a lot of what you describe will meet the criteria and should be enough for you to access help as a man escaping a domestic abuse situation. It's worth keeping in mind as an option, just in case you do end up with your back against the wall late at night or something like that.

Keep those letters safe - you may need them if things don't go according to plan.

If her staying out all night is a pre-determined hard limit for you, don't get drawn into a fight with her over it... all you need to do is to state something along the lines of "You know how I feel about that and the consequences of your actions - now you have to live with the results of your decision". And stick to that.

Hard limits are lines that absolutely should not be crossed. If she can't respect you enough on this, then you need to stand up and say "No" as clearly as you can and action might be the only way to make her see that it's unacceptable to you.

VirginMatchmaker · 46-50, M

@HootyTheNightOwl I really don't want to fall back onto domestic abuse. I just think she is a force of nature who doesn't understand just how much her way of living is not normal.

Well they're all to do with my son so they're things that I keep and will until not needed.

I won't get drawn into a fight because she knows that is a complete red line in my eyes. She knows if she does stay out all night it's well and truly done. Even she does say that of she's enjoying herself why should she come home.

If she did that I would definitely just move out without any hesitation.