I Feel Guilty

If you keep bailing her out so to speak, she will never learn to stand on her own to feet and will always be dependent upon you. Although you feel guilt, it is not your job or responsibility to mother her and in life you have to be cruel to be kind.

It's a difficult one. Guilt is usually underlined by resentment emotionally. If you get in touch with the resentment then the guilt will lift.

Think about how you possibly resent her. Eg you resent her for not being sorted in life. You resent that she lives in this needy state of being. You resent that you feel you ought to help her even when you don't want to. You resent that her self inflicted hardship over shadows your self achieved success. You resent that she hasn't lived up to potential that you see and resent her for not being the sister you wanted or needed.

It's ok to feel resentment. It's ok to let that feeling go. Accept her, accept you don't want to help her all the time and that it's better for you and her to only help her when or if you really feel you want to because resentment leads to guilt and yours and others guilt keeps her in a pretty comfortable position not having to take on more responsibility for herself. She's living off of others guilt so people are enabling her to live how she lives. She must like how she lives really or she'd change it.

So to be kinder to her and you get in touch with the resentment, let go of the guilt and start enjoying your life the way your sister has been enjoying hers.

That's my thoughts.

You can only help your sister so much. She is grown up to make her own decisions. What you were as children is not the same as adults.Some sibblings are like complete strangers to each other...I know I have one. Please way your options. I understand you love and care for them. Some sibblings don't want nothing but hand outs.But you have a life to live. Just saying..from one oldest of four sibblings.

yeah, taking in a family member is a slippery slope..especially one like your sister..and you're right, you will be taking care of her for the rest of your life..it's good that you have helped her, but sometimes the best "love" is to cut them loose and let them go on their own..they need to learn to not be dependent on you..don't be an enabler..tough love..

I have a similar sibling situation. To make matters worse, he has a stunning IQ and an eidetic memory. He has no desire for material things - so it appears. My parents always coddled him as the middle child. He's 53 and eeking out a living like we all did when we were 20. I have what I have because I worked my ass off for it and I am proud of that. But when I am around him I almost feel like I need to hide it, deny it for some reason.

I think you already know what you need to do: 1) continue to work hard and set an example for her, 2) give her your love and every once in a while meet a real need, 3) stay connected to her even when it's hard and all she wants to do is complain. She may try to make you feel guilty, but you can rest knowing you've been a good sister.

Do not feel guilty. You work hard to have what you have. At some point you have to stop helping her as it sounds like she doesnt try to help herself. Its ok to help those that need help...but...only if they are trying.

One more thing ... since you know she'll never pay you back, tell her that the car was a gift and she never has to think about paying you back again. That will be a relief to her that you aren't expecting anything in return.

Thank you guys for your honest and thoughtful responses! It helps. Really appreciate it!

Oh and more importantly congratulations on he new car! 🌹

Completely understandable but you are doing the right thing.

You are a kind soul. Do not feel guilty.

Don't live by guilt; you deserve this car! And you may not be helping her by giving her money or shelter. She needs to learn to make it on her own. One exception: If she has drug, alcohol or gambling problems and is willing to work on them, consider pooling some money for a rehab program.

You both made a choice. She has to live with hers like you live with yours. Giving her a car is quite a bit of help and a good start for her. Now she has to make the next move.

I did similar. Usually help my brother with vehicles, he's disabled. I purchased a 2014 Hyundai, then traded it in for a 2017

you have a great heart - don't feel guilty - people have to help themselves too