I Battle Self-hatred, Anxiety, And Depression

Don't know how to get out of this. I ended up in a career dead-end. I saw it coming years ago but could never afford upgrading my skills. Around 2011 or 2012 I started to feel constant anxiety, knowing that it was a matter of time before I became redundant and lost my job. That finally happened in 2014. I tried putting a brave face and see that as a "new opportunity", but I was just fooling myself. I'm over 50, I moved countries about 30 years ago, divorced about 20 years ago, I have no real friends and the only family I have, my adult daughter and my elderly parents (who live overseas) depend on me for support, except that I can barely support myself. I was very responsible with my expenses and my credit all these years and basically I've lived on my credit for the last year or so, but I'm reaching the end of the line. I may find creative ways to get the credit coming, perhaps selling or re-mortaging my small apartment, which would barely pay off my current debt, yet that's not the solution, because I need an reliable INCOME... I've been "self employed" since I was laid off but I can barely make $500 per month, not enough to pay my bills (the monthly mortgage payments alone are more than that). Then there's the money I need to send to my parents so they won't starve. My daughter doesn't need my money but she's not self sufficient (long story) and relies on me to drive her to college and part time job, and that's costing me over $300 in gas alone, yet I don't have a heart to pull the rug under her feel and make her quit her first job/college. It feels that every plan and every project I've undertaken in my life either backfires completely or just comes to naught. I feel I've given up trying, I've lost the energy and motivation to look for a job or to take on any project, since the story of my life is that whatever I do, life just gets worse, so doing nothing appears to be the way to do less harm. Every day, every hour I think about killing myself, there's nothing I crave more than death. When I wake up in the morning and "remember" the state my life is, my heart races uncontrollably as I realize how my life is completely collapsed with no way out. I can't afford any counseling or help, and in any event I'm a long-time sufferer of social anxiety so the idea of picking up the phone and make any appointment gives me a panic attack. I'm terrified to check my bank account to realize how little money I have. I have some anti-anxiety pills my doctor reluctantly prescribed me, but reportedly the side effects are drowsiness/sleepiness and that's the last thing I need, so I've never tried those things (which also may be addictive, and I don't need yet another problem). Somehow, at moments my brain just quiets down and pretends all is good and "everything is going to be fine", yet when it comes to *do* things, applying for jobs (even looking for jobs) I feel paralyzed, either with panic or with despondence. I just want to die and end it all, but every way to die I can think off is not 100% guaranteed I'll die and probably will end up in me disabled and my life generally worse off (sadly I don't have a gun, hard to get them in this country)... I've thought about overdosing on the anxiety pills, but that probably just send me into a coma and I'll probably wake up bankrupt and with everyone hating me for having let them down. Don't know what else to say or do... Writing this is more venting that hoping to find any "solution"... It's me escaping reality, thinking I'm "doing something" while actually I'm just wasting my time...