I Love Dirty, Rude and Offensive Jokes

So a man stops at a bar one night after work. He get so drunk, he throws up all over himself.

He looks at the bartender and says," oh my god, my wife is going to kill me. She just had this suit cleaned."

The bartender says, " you got $20?"

"yes" replies the gentlemen.

"go home and tell your wife, the drunk next to you threw up on you and gave you the $20 bucks to have your suit cleaned" the bartender invoked.

The man leaves and arrives home to his wife in utter disgust at his appearance and shrieking, " OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE YOU DONE NOW!?"

the husband gently replies, " dear, it wasn't me. I was having one pleasant drink, and this wasted drunk next to me throws up all over me. The guy felt so bad, he gave me $20 to fix his mistake." The man hands his wife the money, and begins to walk away.

"but there is $40 here?" The wife inquiries.

The man turns, "oh, he shit my pants too."

HoraceGreenley · 56-60, M

What's the difference between balls and guts?

A guy comes home at 4:00 am smelling of booze with lipstick on his collar. His wife is waiting for him in the kitchen holding a broom.

A guy with balls says, "Are you still cleaning or are you taking the broom out for a test drive?"

A guy with guts slaps his wife on the ass and says, "you're next fatty!"

HoraceGreenley · 56-60, M

A horny little mouse is running through the jungle. The mouse comes upon a female elephant. The mouse says to the elephant, "you know, I always wanted to have sex with an elephant." So the elephant says, "go right ahead."

So the little mouse runs up the elephant's leg and starts humping away. At that moment a gust of wind kicks up knocking a coconut loose from a palm tree. The coconut falls hitting the elephant on the head. The elephant throws her head back, lifts up her trunk and trumpets loudly in pain.

Then the little mouse yells, "Suffer bitch!"