what are reasons you haven't killed yourself?

various reasons at various times:

- failed, woke up in ER
- taken to ER by cops
- people convinced me not to
- felt like I was abandoning everyone
- didn't feel ready at the last minute
- didn't want to screw it up
- started feeling better
- too messed up and out of it to be able to organize anything

i've been battling that voice in my head since i was maybe 8 years old. i've tried at least 3 times with no hesitation, and it's not even that i'm particularly "unhappy" all the time, just depressed and cannot stop what's going on in my head, my eyes see too much, my brain thinks too much,i am too aware. i've always felt i was not meant for this world, and yet feel like i'm supposed to do something in it, but cannot find what it is i'm supposed to do. Some tell me what i am meant to do is aide others in some way, and honestly aside from art or music doing that is the only thing that genuinely gives me "happiness" but i don't even want notariety or praise for it.

i have what i call an "Oz complex" nothing Godlike, but i like to do good things, make good things, and then see people get or enjoy those good things without them trying to look behind the curtain to see who is responsible. i feel like once i get to that point where i feel i've done enough, i can stop. either that or i will just get brave enough to try again.

sorry this is long, my heart and head always has a serious answer for many things.. i think too much.

My dog needs me.

Knowing how it would effect my sister and the rest of my family if I did

I'm waiting for my cat to go first

I have too much to live for.

I like being alive.

Fear

Because I have a boyfriend that I can't leave behind

I grew up without a father bc of suicide. I could never do that to my kids.

My kids.
Food.
Sunsets.
Starry nights.
Relief when it flows.

I like living

Because life is short enough as it is.

More reasons to live than not!

Tacos

Parents

I've had people that needed me.
I have goals in life.
There are things I enjoy.
..but I have been suicidal in the past.

Hope that things will change helped me the past few years and tbh the people I know that did kill themselves were much stronger than me...tbh I don't know how I'm still alive

I'm stubborn.

I deserve to live with my shitty self and although I don't like to admit it, I have too much to live for.

I figured that Hell would not be any real improvement over the challenges I was facing.

I'm a glutton for punishment

Afraid I'd hurt too many people by doing so

It used to just be because I couldn't handle the thought of how much pain that would cause my Dad. Now I have more reasons which is a wonderful thing

My balls aren't big enough, but my dogs need some one to love them. After they die I will seriously reconsider suicide again unless I find something to be happy about within the next 8-10 years. I don't see much getting better though

because if things are so bad that I should just die then tomorrow will have to be better. and if tomorrow isn't better then maybe the day after. The only way things don't get better is if I actually do kill myself.

I really don't know besides the my dad and sister will be sad about it.

I still wanna fuck my crush

I prefer to torture my victims with long drawn out mental attacks and torture them before I finally off them .. why would I give myself anything but the best death?

...my family.