what are reasons you haven't killed yourself?

i've been battling that voice in my head since i was maybe 8 years old. i've tried at least 3 times with no hesitation, and it's not even that i'm particularly "unhappy" all the time, just depressed and cannot stop what's going on in my head, my eyes see too much, my brain thinks too much,i am too aware. i've always felt i was not meant for this world, and yet feel like i'm supposed to do something in it, but cannot find what it is i'm supposed to do. Some tell me what i am meant to do is aide others in some way, and honestly aside from art or music doing that is the only thing that genuinely gives me "happiness" but i don't even want notariety or praise for it.

i have what i call an "Oz complex" nothing Godlike, but i like to do good things, make good things, and then see people get or enjoy those good things without them trying to look behind the curtain to see who is responsible. i feel like once i get to that point where i feel i've done enough, i can stop. either that or i will just get brave enough to try again.

sorry this is long, my heart and head always has a serious answer for many things.. i think too much.